Reframing Mental distress as a potential catalyst for positive change

It’s International suicide prevention week; we can save lives through talking, sharing and proving to others that there is always HOPE…

This lady’s story is unfortunately not that rare, but her strength and bravery to speak out is… She is indeed living proof that you can experience numerous traumatic life events that act as catalysts for that one fatal moment.  However, those moments don’t have to be fatal if you reach out and seek help. As she explains below, she’s chosen to be anonymous to protect her children, but says; we can literally help reduce the number of suicides on a global scale through raising awareness. Here’s what saved her;

Aged 11 a significant event happened in my life which I now know damaged me forever. I was suffering with extreme tummy ache and my mum took me to the doctors. He asked her to sit outside the surgery whilst he did his examination. My mum didn’t think anything of this as he had been the family doctor for a long time but unfortunately on that occasion he abused me and changed the path of my life forever. He instructed me to lie on my side facing away from him and commenced his abuse, the last straw was when he finally inserted an item into me that caused incredible pain, I screamed out and he huffed and told me to get dressed. The examination went on for what felt like a lifetime but in reality was only about 5 minutes. He invited my mum back into the office and told her that all was clear and there was nothing to worry about. I was in agony, shell shocked and crying, I told my mum that he had hurt me and she just dismissed it telling me not to be silly and that doctors had to examine. Later that day, still writhing in agony my mum and dad forced me to go to hospital.  I remember literally wrapping myself around the steel bed poles on my bed at home as there was no way I would allow another doctor to touch me again. Eventually I arrived at hospital where another examination took place which was quick and over in seconds and it was at that point I knew that I had been abused in the most intimate of ways. I just didn’t realise the lifetime effects.

My mum didn’t believe me, she thought that I was being over dramatic about the appointment. It was a very lonely time for me and I spent a lot of time alone and in my room, my mum who was my best friend didn’t believe me so why would anyone else?

I believe this abuse set my path in whom I was going to be in a relationship with, and how I would live my life. Before the abuse I was confident, happy, free. It changed me – all of me.

It was years later when I had children of my own that my mum rang me crying and said “I’m so sorry Nic – I should have believed you”. She told me that she had seen in the newspaper that morning that the Doctor had been sent to prison for sexually abusing many female patients,  I was grateful for it finally being acknowledged and grateful he had been caught.

As a result of the abuse, I was unable to give birth children naturally.  The abuse affected how my mind and body worked. Even now at 48, I am unable to be examined internally, my mind and body take over and it’s almost like my legs clamp together and they cannot be opened.  In childbirth, I couldn’t dilate more than 6 cm’s so after 36 hours an emergency caesarean was required for my first child. I was unable to allow the nursing staff to conduct any examinations with their hands or utensils. As you can imagine this embarrassment has followed me for years.

Lack of self-esteem, lack of confidence, lack of sexual ability made me a prime target for the men I chose to have relationships with, and I have been in two unhealthy long term relationships that span over 25 years of my life. The first lasted 11 years.  He was older than me, disciplined, organised and very controlling, and as long as I complied, the relationship was satisfactory. The difficulties in our marriage only occurred when I started to question his rulings and I became more successful in my career.

My second relationship and marriage happened three years later. I now realise that he  emotionally abused me from the onset, teasing me about how attractive he was to other women, leaving women’s phone numbers for me to see, laughing at my sexual inadequacies, mocking my ability and tearing down my self-esteem.  He relished in his ability to charm the ladies and often bragged about discounts or free items he received because of his charms. He was a liar who believed his own lies and concocted some incredible stories which I believed. I am an intelligent woman and to this day I cannot believe what I allowed to happen.  Why I didn’t leave him back then I will never know.

Our children were born and they gave me reason to smile, they are also the reason I finally found the courage and strength to leave. The abuse continued but I didn’t care, my life was complete because of our children. As they grew older, the abuse continued to escalate, verbal abuse was a daily thread, emotional abuse through texts, phone calls was increasing and it was no longer just verbal and emotional, it became physical too.  He bullied, blackmailed and threatened me for the last 5 years of our relationship and every time I threatened to leave he rhymed off a list of things he would do to hurt me and my family; my family had been through enough emotional pain for other reasons and I couldn’t risk hurting them any further. I was too afraid to leave. My self-esteem hit rock bottom, my confidence was low, my ability to think for myself was disappearing fast and I turned to alcohol to alleviate the pain and sadness when the children went to bed. It was my only means of escape.  I continued to work full time in a particularly challenging role and to this day I do not know how as I was turning into a nervous wreck.

At home, every day he would creep up behind me and frighten me, or he would hide behind doors to frighten me, he thought it was fun, I was a nervous wreck – frightened of my own shadow. He would tell me that when the red mist struck – he was not responsible for his actions as he wasn’t in control – he would describe himself as Jekyll and Hyde.  I knew he was preparing me for the next stage of abuse, just counting the days and then finally one night just after I had put the boys to bed, his dark side took over and he strangled me to a point I couldn’t see – if it wasn’t for a friend being there and telling him to get off me, I know I would have died.

Boxing Night 2014, just four months later a volatile argument resulted in me being thrown down the stairs in front of the children and then across the room,  breaking my shoulder in several places, yet I stayed in the relationship.  I don’t know why I didnt report him to the police and I didn’t escape then. Every day I’d wake up, wish I hadn’t, prepare the boys for school, take the boys to school and go to work and exist. I didn’t know or couldn’t remember what it was to live and be happy, I just knew I was trapped in a loveless relationship that broke a little more of me each day.  For two years I stayed in that relationship praying for a get out but there didn’t seem to be any way out.  I believed in every lie and threat he made. After I picked the children up from school, I would prepare the evening meal and dread the sound of his van pulling onto the drive. Sometimes the abuse had already started via text, sometimes he would wait a while but every day there was something.  Often I would ask him to just hit me and get it out of his system as the emotional hurt was so much more – he never took me up on that offer. Finally I plucked up the courage and told him I was leaving for good.  He replied that I would never be able to leave him unless I was in a box.  He promise that if I left he would destroy me and take away my children.  I had never felt so lost, isolated and trapped. I was at last …broken.

Driving to work one morning I noticed a wall and contemplated how fast I would have to drive into that wall to ensure that I never woke up. I watched that wall for days and mentally prepared myself for driving into it at 80mph. I was ready to go, I knew I was ready to go; I’d had enough. Staying was killing me slowly anyway, why should I give him the satisfaction and wait for him to kill me – I wanted to do it myself.

Death via suicide seemed like the only option to escape from my living nightmare. But how could I leave my kids with him?

That one loving thought of my children saved me and I knew I had to do something. I contacted a friend who did hypnotism. She helped me to release some negative emotions and connected me on a spiritual level to my guides.  They told me that it was not my time and I had work to do. They told me it was my soul’s purpose to help others and support children.  This would become my legacy.

My spirit guides words gave me so much encouragement and hope. I decided to spend each day being grateful for what I had, focussing on the positive and staying away from my husband as much as possible. Every day I grew a little bit stronger.

The emotional abuse continued day and night, the physical abuse had stopped. Psychological abuse became his latest technique and shining a torch into my eyes whilst sleeping became his favourite trick. I slept downstairs on a camp bed and the final straw came when he stood over me with his torch, laughing at me whilst reading my diary.

It was that pivotal moment I decided that I was going to take the boys and we were going to escape that day. That moment of clarity will stay with me forever.

I left the house with 7 bin bags and a few toys for the children, I was supported by domestic abuse agencies and friends who furnished my rented house. Every day was difficult. I was continuously afraid of what he was going to do next. Since that day he has played every card from his list of blackmail but has achieved nothing. I look back now and wonder how on earth I believed that he would take my children from me.

Three years on, my boys and I live in a house we call home. I am newly engaged to a lovely man who supports and cares for my children and I have a future that looks bright.

I have set up my own hypnotherapy practise to help people like me but more importantly to help children affected by domestic abuse. Children don’t choose to live with parents who argue and fight and they shouldn’t have to suffer because of it. I know from personal experience it affects them in ways that aren’t obvious at the time, my children have been lucky to receive support from counsellors, hypnotherapy and friends but issues still arise even now and it frightens me to think of what could have happened if I hadn’t secured that help.

From personal experience I do not believe that suicide occurs from one incident.  I feel It is a manifestation of numerous events that catalysts that one fatal moment.  I strongly believe that if we are able to stop the manifestation of compounded negative thoughts and have regular emotional clear-outs – we can literally help reduce the number of suicides on a global scale.  I am living proof of that.

I look forward to a day that these emotional clear outs are available to all.

Me now:

I’ve had to be anonymous to protect my children – they are just too young to understand what mummy went through and already blame themselves for some of the abuse. They are my first, my last, my everything and the reason I am here today. One day in the future I will share my story with them when they are ready but for now I hope this gives hope to anyone in the darkness. You can be free, you can start afresh, life is worth living .

My mission in life to assist as many people as possible to reduce stress and let go of emotional baggage. Our emotions control our life and they can stop us from living the life we want to live. Our unconscious mind is so powerful – it creates barriers to stop us from getting hurt and this is why we over eat, we smoke too much, we create fears and phobias. There are so many examples.

My dream is to set up a charity totally focussed on supporting children affected by domestic abuse, I firmly  believe that our mind set is developed when young and whatever we experience “negative or positive” this is stored in our unconscious mind and creates the strategies for later life.

I believe that if we were able to let go of emotional baggage and could wave a magic wand allowing all 18 year olds to move forward without emotional baggage, feeling confident, at peace and happy – we could create a whole new world and I look forward to being part of the movement that makes this happen.

Does this subject resonate with your own experience? 

Would you like to share your story for either Kelly’s KindaProud book,

#EmergingProud through suicide,

Please contact Kelly at:  kelly@positivityprincess.com

or Mandy’s book: 

#EmergingProud through Trauma and Abuse 

Please contact Mandy at: ambrieleve@gmail.com

By sharing your story you can inspire others that there is hope and that they are not alone… ❤

With my colleague Linda, I am hosting a weekend in the Norfolk Broads to…

• Explore what is beyond our physical reality; both inside and out
• Gentle self- exploration, relaxation and replenishment
• Realise that taking care of ourselves enables taking care of everything else

Self- exploration:

Workshops to explore who we really are; gently peel off the façade you display to the world and ‘emerge’ as the amazing soul you truly are… discover your real strengths and resources – your resilient higher self..

Led Sessions to connect with your Higher Self

Sharing circles to listen to the transformation of others, connect and be inspired.

Relaxation + Replenishment:

Guided meditations to cleanse and re- charge your energy

Develop your own resources of self- care; leave with take- home tips

Opportunities to gently exercise in the beautiful, natural gardens of Breathing Space and beyond, throughout the weekend

Personal time and space for reflection + time out

 CLICK HERE TO BOOK: Early Bird offer ends 12th Sept 

Workshop session details

• We will move towards self- empowerment through going inwards and listening to our Self with the support of the group.
• We will explore what challenges we’ve overcome, and what resources we have and can develop.
• We will demonstrate and encourage sharing with vulnerability – hearing not only our true Selves but hearing others to make sense of who we are and who we can be.
• We will provide and encourage validation through ‘safe space’ feedback.
• We aim for reciprocity of support and collective group wisdom; others will learn from your learnings, and we will all learn from each other.

CLICK HERE TO BOOK :  Early Bird offer ends 12th Sept 

FIND OUT MORE ABOUT THE VENUE HERE 

CLICK HERE TO BOOK :  Early Bird offer ends 12th Sept 

Trauma is experienced in many forms, and Johnny has discovered that talking rather than suppressing his own has been the key to setting him not only on the road to recovery, but feeling better in himself as he knows talking openly about his past is also helping others to speak out too… Here Johnny #Emerges Proud with his life story;

My name is Johnny Gupta and I am 48 years old and based in Heywood, Greater Manchester. After watching ‘Slumdog Millionaire’ a few years back and recently watching ‘Lion’, I was inspired and thought maybe it’s time to tell my story.

For a few months now I have being feeling anxious and depressed but did nothing about it, my wife did say; “Go to the doctor’s and tell them how you are feeling”…but I was afraid as it’s not the norm….especially for men; there is no intention of me being sexist, as women talk more to each other.

A few weeks ago, I woke up and felt suicidal and I promised my family that if I ever felt like that I have to do something about it because my brother committed suicide and I have lost dear people to me who have also done that. So I took my wife’s advice and rang the doctor’s and told them how I was feeling; straight away an ambulance came and took me to hospital.

I was then seen by a lady from the RAID team who sat down with me and said what is wrong and she said that we are not judgemental but here to listen and help.

That’s when I just broke down and for 2 hours; I told her everything that was going on in my mind….and it brought out everything that I had suppressed in the past:-

1) I was physically, sexually, mentally abused when I was younger by many foster parents and older children from many children’s homes

2) The abnormal life with my family as a child and what we went through.

3) The pressure of society now and stress of work, finance, home, physique, family, future and other stuff.

After the time I spent with her I did feel a bit better as I TALKED to an outside person who knew nothing about me…

But what really helped me was the support and understanding from my wife, family from both our sides and my true friends as I opened up to them and TALKED and was not ashamed or embarrassed and what was overwhelming was the fact how they reacted to me….for which I will ALWAYS be grateful.

Here is a synopsis of my life story:-

In 1965, my mother came to St.Albans, Hertfordshire, with her parents and siblings from Formia, Italy. In the same year my father came to the same area in England from a village called Chandrapur, Dharmanagar, North Tripura, India.

My mother was working in a café when my father and his friend came in and starting chatting to her. They began a relationship, my mother’s parents were not happy as my mother was Italian catholic and my father was Indian Hindu, but it did not stop them seeing each other.

In 1967, my sister Tania was born and in 1970, I was born.

In 1972, my father took all 3 of us to his village in India to live with his parents and siblings. We were there for 3 years and in that time 3 other siblings were born, 2 sisters and 1 brother, Rakhee, Onjon and Babe. It was very difficult for us as my mother was the first White woman to enter the village, there was no gas, electricity, toilets were outside and my mother had to cook on the floor. My mother took the Hindu religion to please my father and his parents, so she had to adapt to the culture and all the formalities that go with it. My parents had a very turbulent relationship in those 3 years.

In 1975, my father wanted to come back to England for work while his intention was to leave us with his parents but my mother disagreed. As my sister Babe was only 3 months old, my father and his parents decided to leave her with them as she was not well. My mother was not happy with this but had no choice, because she was not willing to stay in the village with us.

When we arrived in England, there were the four of us and my parents. My father then left us and went his own way, my mother had a nervous breakdown and put us in a taxi to where my father was staying, but they did not open the door, so the police were called and we ended up in social care.

For two years the four of us were moved from children’s homes to foster parents constantly. Finally, when my mother was better, she came and took my elder sister, Tania and myself back with her to my grandparent’s house. She was unable to take my sister Rakhee and my brother Onjon. They eventually got adopted by English parents who named them Diane and Richard, my mother was forced to sign the adoption papers.

My father went back to India and got married again. When he came back he was still seeing my mother on and off and at that time my youngest brother, Symon was born. My mother found out that he got married again and his wife was expecting; there is a six month difference between my brother and my stepsister.

My mother was looking after Tania, me and Symon, and those years were very difficult financially as my father did not support us at all. It was a very hard time, my father had 2 more children with his new wife.

When I turned 18, I was very curious about what happened to my other siblings, so I started doing some research and questioning my mother and father. I was able to trace where my brother and sister were and who were their adopted parents, so Tania and I went to see them and it was very emotional. We decided to keep in touch until they were at a legal age to make their own decisions.

In 1994, I got married and moved to Rochdale, Greater Manchester, leaving my mother and Symon in St.Albans. Tania had already left home and all the siblings were in contact with each other.

In 2002, my brother Richard (Onjon) committed suicide by hanging himself in his room, he was a PE teacher at a private school.

As I was established, I started to think about my sister, Babe in India, who has never seen her mother or siblings since birth. I went to India twice to try and bring her to England but failed on both occasions as my father made it very complicated.

Eventually, as my father was getting older and his brother who was looking after her was getting older, my father said that if he does bring her to England, I will have to look after her. I agreed. He managed to get her a British passport and I paid for everything including flights.

In 2010, my sister Babe came to England and after 32 years saw my mother and her siblings for the very first time, there was obviously a communication barrier.

In 2011, I got my sister Babe married and she is happily living with her husband and her daughter in Ashton, Tameside.

Currently my sister Tania has a daughter with her boyfriend, my sister Diane has a daughter and son, my brother Symon also has a daughter and son and I have a son and daughter.

The above is a synopsis off my true life story. I hope there is an opportunity to make it into a tear-jerking and moving film, as there has been a lot of sadness, regret, bitterness, tragedy, and everything else in between.

The above synopsis is from my point of view but I am sure that my parents and siblings have also their story to tell as they see it.

I hope we can send a message to everyone and say it’s OK to feel how you feel and to TALK and ASK for help, as there are still good people in this society we live in now who do care and want to help and want to make this society a better place to live in.

The mind is the most powerful tool in a human and if you have no peace or unrest do something about it…if you need help …ASK for it…there is no shame or embarrassment and it will make you a better and stronger person and you will have a better life….BELIEVE IN YOURSELF and what you can achieve is in your mind!

You can’t change the past, BUT you can change the present and whatever the future holds for you if you are ready for it.

Does this subject resonate with your own experience? 

Would you like to share your story for Mandy’s KindaProud book;

#EmergingProud through Trauma and Abuse? 

Please contact Mandy to find out how by contacting her at: ambrieleve@gmail.com

Bev Pirie from Manchester quite literally sunk to rock bottom before she could ‘Trust’ in her intuitive spiritual wisdom. It took healing herself to train to become the provider of ‘messages of love and evidence that we do not die, but simply move on to a state of higher consciousness.’

Here Bev bravely shares her personal journey for Kelly’s KindaProud book; #Emerging Proud through suicide…

In February 2011 my world fell apart when a close friend suddenly passed away. The sense of loss I felt was so profound and I found it almost impossible to function or come to terms with their death. I was already having a difficult time with my own mental health prior to this event due to ongoing financial issues caused through our home and work. When I thought things couldn’t get any worse I was made aware of a potential life changing revelation which was to impact my marriage. The following week I lost another friend and I literally felt like I was being emotionally swallowed up. I was in shock and I wasn’t coping well.

I could see no end to our problems and I could only see grey in everything. I tried so hard to keep going but it became a daily battle between wanting to live and wanting to die. Prior to all these events happening, things had already been very difficult. I had been diagnosed with Hypothyroidism and Myalgic encephalomyelitis (ME), so my health had declined over the previous 5 years. I believe the constant stress and worries over our financial difficulties compounded things greatly. We had bought our home in 2002; a Victorian Semi, and little did we know it was going to become a monster that was constantly hungry.

I believe the next event was divinely timed to help give us a positive focus and keep me here; our daughter announced she was pregnant in May 2011. She was single and recently returned home. We needed and wanted to support her. The news was an unexpected shock, but we had a moment of happiness followed by a large reality check, the potential financial problems on an already desperate situation.

I tried to push things down and carry on. Our lives changed forever on the 7th December when our grandson was born. He gave us hope and for a short time I was able to put everything behind us.

Unfortunately things continued to get progressively worse over the next two years; having to cope with ever increasing debt, supporting our family, repairs on our home and the stress of my job resulting in a severe negative effect on my health. I had been trying to support everyone and keep it all together but I finally hit rock bottom and not even the joy of our grandson could help me. It had been almost three years of constant life changing events which I simply couldn’t take anymore.

I felt suicidal and had thoughts of; “Would I even be missed?”

Everything came to a head in September 2013. Myself and my husband had a horrendous row and I gave him an ultimatum. I can see now it was an emotional breakdown and everything came to the surface in that precise moment . I couldn’t carry on, we either had to sell the house or I had to leave before I gave up completely. I was consumed with depression and not even the anti- depressants were working.

I’d never felt so lost in all my life; I was so distraught I walked out of the house with my dog Sky. I was sobbing uncontrollably, the heavens opened and I was drenched to the bone. I found myself in the open field not far from where we lived and sat on the ground sobbing asking for help. I’d truly had enough, I was beyond lost, I was done, I was broken. I called upon the heavens and shouted;

 “Help me God, help me Angels!” I was desperate and needed help. I was in such a dark place that I felt completely alone.

I do have a belief system that there is something greater than us. I was very spiritual but during this period I was totally consumed with depression and lost all faith in the divine.

I pulled myself up off the floor, completely drenched, and saw the most beautiful rainbow in the sky as I heard the word “TRUST” loudly in my mind.  I was unsure if it was my imagination. I walked home in a daze, emotionally drained. I didn’t want another row, I was done but when I arrived home my husband was waiting for me. He took one look at me and said; “Let’s sell!”

We placed our house on the market in the late November and sold it January. We moved into our new home, finally debt free and things began to feel more hopeful. In that first year I began to open up more to my own spiritual pathway; so many synchronicities became apparent. I began to see and feel spirit more, and I knew that finally I could begin to embrace this gift and life.

I’d previously tried hard to ignore it and push it away, but as the weeks passed, I began to understand that my energy and my thoughts were beginning to change. The more I opened my heart, the more alive and joyful I felt.

I started to feel more aligned with life and things became very clear; I have work to do. I have to help bring love and light into our world, by helping those who feel lost or are in pain. I can help them through my Spiritual Readings. I was also drawn to be attuned to Usui Reiki so that I could give healing too.

During my meditations I was shown people coming to our home in great sadness and leaving uplifted. I could also help to empower others through workshops and healing circles.

So in 2016, I took a deep breath; a leap of faith you could call it. I created a Facebook page dedicated to my Mediumship and Healing. I submitted it and very quickly I took my first booking for a spiritual reading. In that precise moment I knew my life was going to change. I could not have foreseen how, and in so many unimaginable ways.

About me today :

Facebook: Bev Pirie ( Spiritual Medium )

Twitter : @bev_pirie

Instagram: Bev_Pirie

In 2016 I opened up my Facebook page and very soon afterwards I was attuned to Usui Reiki level 1 & 2. I was so inspired and loving the new energy I was receiving. It was wonderful to help so many. Things started to become very busy and I finally made the decision to retire from work so that I could dedicate my life to helping others. I became a Usui Reiki Master/Teacher placing me in a position to help many in the future to be attuned themselves.

Today I work as a full time Spiritual Medium & Healer bringing messages of love and evidence that we do not die, but simply move on to a state of higher consciousness.

Recently I have been encouraged by my Spiritual team, my guiding voice, to run my own wellbeing retreats for those who are looking to tap into their own abilities, to take time to nurture and step out of life for a little while, allowing themselves to breathe, take stock and enjoy holistic treatments – meditation – mindfulness sessions.

I’m helping others to shine, to create, to believe in the beauty of life through workshops and healing days, and so much more.

I strive every day to be the best version of myself and to show others that you can overcome adversity, no matter how difficult things may be.

I’ve not experienced any depression or anxiety for almost 4 years since starting my spiritual journey.

The power of positivity is my life force and helps keep me lifted. I continue to shine my light. I have a purpose, a reason to continue on this path until it’s my time to go home, where I will carry all my experiences with me.

I heard the word * TRUST * and I do every day, in a higher loving force.

Does Bev’s story resonate with your own experience?

Would you like to share your story to give HOPE to others? Here’s how you can contact our KindaProud Reps…

 For Kelly’s KindaProud book:  #EmergingProud through Suicide

Please email Kelly at: kelly@positivityprincess.com

Your Community Needs YOU! .. here’s a nudge.. Only a few days until the application deadline and we have a couple of spaces left…

Have you been through a personal crisis that has led to your transformation?

Do you have a desire to support others going through similar experiences?

Are you based in Norfolk, UK?

Would you like to take part in an innovative FREE training opportunity (funded by the Big Lottery) with a commitment to facilitate a Community Sharing Circle to empower mutual support for peers with shared themes of distress?

Be part of an amazing community who are making a difference to wellbeing…

Email: emergingkind@missingkind for further information and an application form

Amy Woods told us previously about how she emerged through years of self- criticism transformed, to set up a business that gives hope and support to others who are still struggling. We couldn’t be prouder to have Amy as one of our KindaProud Pocket Books of Hope and Transformation Reps! Here I talk with Amy about why she feels this project is important, and why you might consider sharing your story…

There is nothing wrong. This is your time for transformation. Love, Amy x

Does this subject resonate with your own experience? 

Healing is a constant journey – there is no need to be ‘perfect’ to join in, just have come through a difficult time and know that you are in a more positive frame of mind due to your struggle….

Would you like to share your story for Amy’s KindaProud book, #EmergingProud through disordered eating, body image and low self-esteem? 

Please contact Amy to find out how by contacting her at: info@soul-shine.org.uk

Read Amy’s full story here: Introducing our KindaProud Rep for the #EmergingProud through disordered eating, body image and low self-esteem Pocket Book of Hope and Transformation.

Find out more information about Amy’s work at www.soul-shine.org.uk

Steve Carr #Emerges Proud to tell the world how the tragic death of his brother Paul led him to finally “rise like a phoenix from the flames after hitting rock bottom” for Kelly’s KindaProud pocket book of hope; #Emerging Proud through suicide…

Does this subject resonate with your own experience? 

Would you like to share your story for Kelly’s KindaProud book, #EmergingProud through suicide? 

Please contact Kelly to find out how by contacting her at:  kelly@positivityprincess.com

Friday 13th September 1991, aged just 15 years, my life was changed forever. My dear brother was tragically killed, along with four other children, by a reckless drunk driver in the Akers Way horror crash in Swindon.  Paula Barnes, 15, Belinda Brown, 19, Paul Carr, 16, Sheree Lear, eight, and seven-year-old Ian Lilley were playing on the grassed area off Akers Way when the driver lost control of his car at high speed and crashed into the group of youngsters.

The tragedy shook the community and provoked fury among campaigners who had long been calling for a lower speed limit and other safety measures on the road.

I received no support or help following my loss, due to my father’s decision that my sister and I would be o.k.  Instead I chose to mask the trauma and deep pain with alcohol, cigarettes and drugs.

My mother and father divorced shortly after it happened and I was forced out of my family home.

I lost contact with my Mother, father & sister, I could not hold onto any form of relationship for long periods due to the fear of loss and rejection and as fast as I was gaining friends, jobs and relationships I was losing them.

During my early 30’s, things started to look up for me when I managed to hold down a job for long enough to buy a house, but then I found cocaine.

I thought I was doing well until I found cocaine, or cocaine found me.

I became an addict in a very short space of time.  After a little under a year of taking cocaine, I lost my house, my job, and my friends. I lost everything, and my habit was costing me £100 a day. I couldn’t stop what I was doing to myself until one day I pushed it too far.

I became homeless with just enough money for one more high, the last high.

With a concoction of drugs & alcohol including Cocaine, Methadrone, & legal highs, I vowed to take my own life.

Something happened that day and I was saved, the concoction almost killed me, but something pulled me back, something saved me. 

I can’t say what it was but I was given another chance. 

After suffering a breakdown due to work related stress, and my employment being terminated whilst off sick, I  attempted taking my own life a further two times before I was diagnosed with mental health problems.

Borderline PTSD, High Functioning Anxiety, Depression, Stress, Addiction, Childhood Trauma.

I remember the third suicide attempt quite vividly. I had just taken 24 grams of Methadrone, half a gram of strong cocaine, half a litre of Whiskey and half a gram of legal high “Spice”. I fell back on to my bed and knew I was overdosing and slipping into unconsciousness; it felt quite normal, like I was falling asleep. I felt warm and as if I was floating on water, then a rush came where I was falling backward, It was then four faces appeared before me. 

Two of the four faces I recognised, one was my nan who had sadly passed away 4 years prior to my suicide attempts, and the other was my brother.

They both said “come with us, you’ll be safe”, I knew at this point if I did, I would have died, I was fighting death, I was slipping in and out of unconsciousness for eight solid hours, each time falling deeper, but I wouldn’t let go, I was petrified, I was sweating, I was delirious, I thought I was going to die, and now after trying to take my life, I didn’t want to. 

Once I had come through the other side of the overdose, I knew something was different, I had seen death, I had seen my brother, I had seen my nan, I didn’t see them in the form of figures, I saw their faces, it was very clear what they said to me, I had experienced the other side. 

The other side was dark, like the night sky, but also very calming, there was no drama, no noise, nothing was in the way, all just was, it felt like swimming underwater in the sea or what I would imagine being in space felt like with no gravity.

I can still remember it as clear as day, three years later.

The best way I can explain it is like this; you know the moment you drift off into sleep, your eyes feel heavy but you feel a warm heady sensation course through you just before sleep begins; this is how it felt.

The very next day I gave up smoking after 25 years, I gave up taking drugs after 25 years, and finally resided to the fact I needed professional help. 

The night before I asked my brother and asked God for help, I pleaded with them, and stated if they saved me from this hell on earth I was experiencing I would pray every day and go to church as often as I could, I have to say at this point that I was not a practising Christian or believed in God for that matter.

There are several influencing factors that helped spark the want in me for change that night. The first is that I had hit rock bottom, I had no friends, I alienated them all to protect them when I found cocaine, as I didn’t want them to know about my dirty little secret. The next was that my life had got to the stage where it was well and truly out of control. The third was that I could remember there was a brief time I had everything a ‘normal’ person could wish for, a house, money in the bank, a car, holidays, and friends, and finally I had a belief; I believed that something bigger that myself was, and could help me, first I had to let go of the Ego. 

I believe my Ego died that night, I believe I had a spiritual awakening, what I thought was the end of the world was actually the start of a new life, one where I had to find out who I actually was. 

There are mixed views on suicide, people will say things like it’s selfish, or he/she must have been mad/crazy; that simply isn’t the case, take it from a survivor; the last thing you are is selfish, you actually are putting everybody else before you, and that’s the problem, you forget about yourself, you want to make everybody else happy; you keep giving and giving until you have nothing left. Your life isn’t your own as you are trying to do the best you can with what you have.

My transition to consciousness after the failed suicide attempts was so incredibly painful; but now I believe it was necessary. 

It was the start of my re-awakening and beginning of my healing journey.  Today I am proud to say I am no longer trapped by my past. I chose to confront my deamons head on; I chose the path of conscious awareness, self and personal development. I chose to take a look at what was driving me, my subconscious beliefs and to start life from scratch, almost like being reborn. Everything I thought I knew was wrong, It was as if I had been brainwashed from an early age and it wasn’t serving me any longer, the battle was far too great, the burden far too heavy. I believe there there is a driving force, an energy behind everything and it was knowing that there is something bigger than me saved me that day. I don’t believe there to be a god per se, as in a person, I believe that god is a power, and it’s in us all and everything; there is a reason and a purpose for us all.

I feel lucky to be on this journey through life discovering my own true purpose, to have been gifted with another chance, to have seen total despair to be brought back and appreciate life, the small things and be grateful for living in abundance. I believe we are here just to experience life through our flesh and bones, we are a physical extension of source energy, sent here to live, love, heal and play, life is serious or as complicated as we choose to make it, each lived in our own unique way. There is no right or wrong, just what’s right for us. Life is truly amazing. I now have my own Mental Health education business and have recently qualified as a private pilot, I’ve walked all of Britain and I have the most amazing partner who supports me.

All of this was born out of hitting rock bottom, and I rose like a phoenix from the flames, inspiring and teaching others to do the same.

Does this subject resonate with your own experience? 

Would you like to share your story for Kelly’s KindaProud book, #EmergingProud through suicide? 

Please contact Kelly to find out how by contacting her at:  kelly@positivityprincess.com

“My brother, Paul Carr 16 yrs old, tragically taken on Friday the 13th of September 1991 in a devastating car accident that rocked the entire community. My purpose and passion were all stemmed from this amazing soul. His memory lives on in my work.”

Wendy Andrews from Queensland, Australia #emerges proud to tell us how it took somatic release therapy for her mind to catch up with the wisdom of her body, years after a traumatic experience. Wendy’s experience is not uncommon, although not yet widely recognised. It’s through sharing our stories such as Wendy does here, that we can raise awareness and give hope to those who may still be stuck in suffering…

Wendy says;

I want to write about what was, for me, a very powerful healing session, and its follow up session, recently. I’ve been clearing away the detritus of my past for almost thirty years, using mainly, emotional release work in listening partnerships. The labels I’ve used to find information and research are Complex PTSD, panic disorder, and agoraphobia. I experienced childhood sexual assaults and started having what were treated as ‘epileptic seizures’ in my late teens, but which turned out to be a body response to trauma overload.

“My intention was to increase the sense of capacity for stress in my nervous system, to grow the ‘window of tolerance’, as it’s referred to, using Somatic Experiencing, with Raquel DuBois. I’d had two sessions with her in person, and then switched to Skype.

“I started by noticing what was going well, for instance, I talked about the chaotic things that had happened in my home over the previous few days and how I wasn’t reaching overwhelm as quickly as I would have in the past. It took a few days to reach that point, rather than a few minutes.”

“A memory had come to my mind a few times and I mentioned it, because, as unrelated to anything as it seemed, over the years, I’ve learned to trust what ‘pops up’. I’d gone in to have my wisdom teeth removed, somewhere around the age of 18. I had a general anaesthetic in a small surgery one Saturday morning. I’d only briefly met the dentist once before. The way I remember being told afterward, I’d had to be given extra paralysing grains by the anaesthetist as it wasn’t working properly but eventually I went under (I do remember excruciating pain in my thumbs as I counted down).”

“The next thing I knew, I was being brought around. Apparently, my nails had turned blue and the operation had to be aborted, even though they had all the tubes down my throat, and were about to take out the teeth. Because of the extra paralysing grains, I was in intense pain for days, as though every single muscle had been overworked and I could only sip drinks and soup as my throat was so sore. Luckily, my Mum looked after me. She was always kind when we were sick….though neither she nor my father enquired further into what had actually happened.”

“Raquel had me notice what I was feeling in my body. My mind was telling me I was ‘wasting my session’ with this random story but she suggested staying with it a little longer. I started to have a very strange but familiar feeling creep around the back of my skull.”

“It wasn’t the ‘whooshing’ out the back of disassociation but rather, kind of like a blankety helmet enveloping my head and pain in the base of the skull. It was becoming very hard to form words and I felt I was looking at Raquel through very hooded eyes. ”

“I was reminded of other things going on around the time of this dental surgery experience. I was on epilepsy drugs and spent many days in my teacher training lecture theatre, with its low banks of fluorescent lights, fighting off these similar feelings, seeing a white ‘aura’ appear around the lecturer, and now it was there, around Raquel. ”

“I felt my body start to ‘give in’ to the ‘seizure’, felt my jaw start to tense, and my forearms…..so we dialled it back a bit….and I was amazed that I was able to…..still be there with it but not going to that old familiar place of fighting off the clenching and then giving in to it and eventually ‘passing out’ (I could always hear though, as far as I could tell, so used to think I was ‘doing it for attention’ somehow).”

“Raquel, at one point, had me count backwards from ten, the way I did with the anaesthesia. I could only get to nine and started to shake and cry. My head felt very, very strange, like in a fog. Her take on it was I was ‘in the anaesthesia’, that I had had a near death experience and this was the survival energy AND the anaesthetic stuck in my body….and we were helping it move out!!”

“I think I had a big release, possibly with tears and trembling, I’m a little unclear at that point. But I slowly felt myself returning to ‘normal transmission’, until I was laughing and ‘fine’. I had a HUGE realisation that the anaesthetist had SAVED MY LIFE (and so did my blue fingernails). I’d never had it mirrored anywhere that I’d been in a life and death situation. But when I looked things up afterward, yes, blue fingernails were a sign of either cardiac or respiratory failure.”

“This whole experience definitely created greater capacity in my nervous system because the very next day, I had to go and have a tooth removed and I handled it like a boss. I stopped them when I needed to and trembled and cried AND I was able to self soothe through the pain and the triggering trauma of them doing painful things in my mouth, even though I hadn’t been able to bring outside support with me. I didn’t need to use pain killers of any kind, and it was a big tooth!”

“Soon after that, I attended a meditation class and it became clear that when I put my attention on breathing and especially the experience of emptying the lungs and briefly being in that space of ‘no breath’, panic would usually surface right at that point……which must be VERY reminiscent to my body of ‘respiratory failure’, of literally having no breath inside me and not being able to get any! ”

“It all made so much sense, the years of panic attacks brought on by elevated heart rate, the difficulty in meditation every time my focus is on the breath….my body is triggered, even though my mind was unconscious, my body remembers.”

“And bless its cotton socks, my body has been trying to heal on that all these years, taking me to the place, over and over, where it can attempt to offload the ‘inability to breath’ and the survival energy stuck there…..and my mind has sensed the panicked feelings and freaked out, doing all it can to pull me out of that dangerous situation. My darling body. At the end of that session with Raquel, I actually FELT how miraculous my body is, how SENTIENT, how IN MY BEST INTERESTS it is. And I feel excited, once again, about life.”

I have since had another session with Raquel, dedicated to clearing more where my body released the stored energy in a very gentle way. And I am happy to say that I can now walk my dog around the block without going into a hard-to-breathe meltdown. Other situations where my heart rate rises, like being in social settings, I now only have what I think of as common, garden-variety anxiety, not what feels like life-threatening panic. I’m so grateful.”

Thank you Wendy, for speaking out to bring awareness to this vital subject on so many levels ❤

Does Wendy’s near death experience resonate with your own? 

Would you like to share your story in Nicole’s book #Emerging Proud through NOTES to give HOPE to others? 

Please contact us here 

Or maybe you have a personal story to share about overcoming early trauma?

For Mandy’s KindaProud book:  #EmergingProud through Trauma and Abuse 

Please contact Mandy at: ambrieleve@gmail.com

Pete Cossaboon from Alabama, US, felt like he had nothing left to live for; until a long conversation with an ‘Angel’ made him realise he had the power to create his own reality. Here Pete tells us his story from suicidal to transformation Mentor…

I had a choice.  A very clear and distinct choice.  In my right hand was a bottle of Southern Comfort.  My left hand had a plastic ziploc bag of four bottles of pills filled with antidepressants and anti-psychotics.  I already had the CD in the player in my red PT Cruiser sitting in the garage of my favorite music.  I was standing in the half stairwell that went from the living room into the garage.

All I had to do was climb into my little car that was always there for me.  Just sit down, put the key in the ignition, swallow the pills with the alcohol, and just slowly slip away.  All of my problems solved.  My suffering and pain that had been present my entire life gone.

But I had a problem.  I knew my daughter would be the one to discover my corpse.  I couldn’t do that to her.  I just couldn’t.  Also, there was a tiny voice.  Faint yet persistent that kept telling me that there was something cool around the corner.  The voice kept saying that I was going to miss out on something.  Something beyond my current level of comprehension was out there.  A collection of moments and experiences like pearls on a strand that would die with me, never having the chance to be alive.

At this point in my life I had lost everything that my ego told me that I was.  I was losing my home, I was almost penniless, I had lost my career, I had lost my friends, my wife was divorcing me and because she could provide a much better life for her, my daughter was with her.  I was even about to lose my freedom.  There was nothing that I had worked for, nothing that I had used as my definition of me left.

It was all gone and it was all my fault.  I had even lost my own self respect.  I couldn’t stand my own reflection in the mirror and had to shave looking out of the side of my eye for six months until I could fully look at my face in the looking glass and see the soul that dwelt inside me.  How could I even continue to breathe when the enemy was myself, the me that I needed to take in air for?

I could do it out of love.  Love for my daughter, love for the possibilities that that little voice kept telling me were out there.  Did I know what those possibilities were?  I didn’t even have a clue.  I couldn’t see or imagine anything except for the pain that I was currently in.  And I was so tired.  So tired of existing.  So tired of pretending that everything was okay.  Worn out from never letting anyone know what I was going through.

I began my fight for life that night.  I called the suicide hotline four times and each time they hung up on me.  All I said in my drunken voice was, “I need hope.”  Then I would hear a dial tone.  I slowly typed suicide help into my phone and pushed on the number that showed up.  A male nurse in some emergency room in some hospital in Tennessee talked to my for almost three hours and helped me to stay alive.  I don’t know what number I dialed or who that angel was but I am here today because he was there for me.

I realized that all of my fears except for one had come true.  A few months after this night talking with a new friend, I said almost exactly that to him.  He asked me if I knew why and I said no.  Then he made a statement that began me on my path to enlightenment.  He said, “They came true because you have been focusing on them.”  A light in my head went off.  I realized that I had been placing an order with the Universe by concentrating on all of my fears.  I thought that if I could figure out how to deal with my fears that I could conquer them.  Instead, like a magician, I conjured them.  I made them true by my attention to them.

From that moment I began my path towards mindfulness.  I became aware of the me behind me.  I started to open my eyes and see who we truly are, what we truly are, why we are here, and what is possible for us.

Many of those pearls on that strand have revealed themselves to me since that night and they have been beautiful, enchanting, and not at all what I expected.  Find a way to survive.  Look for someone to help you.  Never give up.  Things do get better when you allow them to.

Does this subject resonate with your own experience? 

Would you like to share your story for Kelly’s KindaProud book, #EmergingProud through depression, anxiety and suicidality? 

Please contact Kelly to find out how by contacting her at:  kelly@positivityprincess.com

About Pete:

Pete Cossaboon, known as The Angel Encourager, is an Angelic Intuitive Medium.  Since 2014 after going through a radical shift in his own personal Spirituality, he has been helping individual clients, a few pets, and groups to tap into the wisdom from the Archangels and transitioned soul energy.  His clients have experienced physical, mental, and emotional healing leading to an increase in joy, peace, tranquility, happiness, and all over wellness.

Believing there is so much beyond “The Secret”, an avid follower of Abraham Hicks, Tony Robbins, Oprah, Ellen, and so many other teachers, Pete has taken the knowledge and intuition from mentors on this Earthly plain and from the higher realms to bring radical Love to this world.  His Spiritual connection combined with his voracious appetite in studying quantum physics and his degree in Mathematics has given him a view of the world that makes his teachings relevant and timely.

Believing this world is starving for leaders, he has taken on the role of mentor to teach and heal a world in pain and suffering.

See Pete’s website HERE

Does this subject resonate with your own experience? 

Would you like to share your story for Kelly’s KindaProud book, #EmergingProud through depression, anxiety and suicidality? 

Please contact Kelly to find out how by contacting her at:  kelly@positivityprincess.com