Samaya’s depression was the ‘medicine’ that was pushing her to be true to herself

Like Samaya, so many of us get nudges from our ‘Soul voice’, pushing us to live a life more authentically aligned with who we truly are. Doing so can cause chaos and pain as we choose to move away from fitting in with the social dictations we’ve often been brought up with. It’s learning to recognise that the pain of these messages can be the thing that liberates us, if we really listen, as Samaya recounts through her personal journey here….



It was spring of 1993 when I got my first visit.

I was fifteen and having a tumultuous time trying to make sense of it all, when an inquisitive voice from deep within surfaced and started pulling me and my life into pieces.

It was my soul’s voice, which was asking me to start making meaning of what was worth valuing and loving, so I could start building my life with those things at the very heart of it all.

This was a task that I had not been prepared for and had no idea how to even start tackling. At that time, I hadn’t known anyone who had gone through anything quite like this.

What did I love?

I had no clue.

But the voice was there and it was insisting.

It was not barging.

It was not lessening.

Like an uninvited guest whom did not seem to be aware that they were gate-crashing.

If anything, they seemed to feel right at home.

This persistent enquiry that came almost out of the blue, pushed me into an intense process of searching and deconstruction that ended up leaving me exhausted, depressed and quite vulnerable.

What was worse, I was not coming up with the goods, and that was slowly killing me on the inside. At fifteen I felt like I had no clue about the things that really mattered, what I loved, what was worthy of love, and true value in my life.

Not just anyone’s life, but mine.

Most people I knew seemed to live life according to a book written by society and not their own soul.

Where was I going to get help from?

This deep search was not yielding successful results and it started affecting my external life so much so, that at 15, I seriously contemplated taking my own life and got really close to overdosing myself to death.

I was only to be saved, last minute, by a phone call from a friend who had previously also tried taking her own life.

I did not mention on that call what I was about to do, and my friend, who had slowly moved away from our friendship after her own attempt, admitted she did not know why she rung me, she just knew she had to do so.

I definitely look back on that call as an angelic intervention.

On the same day of the call, my soul came back with yet another message.

This time however it did not bring a question, but a piece of advice.

I was told that this did not need to sit as a heavy load on my shoulders. That I had a lot of my life ahead of me and that the answers did not need rushing,

I just needed to give myself permission to take my time.

This made a lot of sense to me and I somehow tried to go on living my life.

Fast forward fifteen years, I found myself living in a new country that felt like my spiritual home, living as a practising Buddhist.

Till then, soul would communicate to me in many indirect ways through music, art, books, poetry and other people, through their eyes, their movements, their words.

But very rarely did I get to channel direct messages from it just like that time when I was fifteen and scared to face myself and the big world.

One day, following the end of an intense work stint in the psychiatric wards of a London hospital, I got another visit.

My soul was there to touch base with me again, picking up from where we had left off and bringing up the question that it was no stranger to me.

“What in my life was worth living for?”

Yet by now another 15 years had gone by, I was older, yet despite the many more experiences under my belt, the depth of that enquiry yet again brought up a ton of fear.

Perhaps because this time around the question had lead me to another more relevant enquiry.

This new enquiry had to do with what value I was actually giving to the world, rather than what was being given to me, which is how I had seen it the first time around.

But I had yet to fully make my life my own and to tap into the potential that was lying within me, underneath it all.

I realised that I had not learned how to serve my own soul by showing up in the world in a way that fulfilled me.

The meditation I had been practising for years had helped me tap into myself, yet was now gradually getting me to want to create a more personable life, full of meaning, depth and purpose.

A life of creativity that stemmed from a deep connection with my soul, in a way that brought me and others joy.

I was being urged to create a much more personable life that lived on a daily communion with my soul and purpose.

Where I wouldn’t have to be tested like this over and over again.

This realisation and desire to align with my soul’s creativity and start living my life as a work of art, had become really clear.

I had come here in the world to create after all.

But first I had to take a little detour again.

I was triggered into yet another depression which lasted a period of 2 years.

I had to stop work and immerse myself into my healing, face my demons, get to know my fears and sabotages so I could understand myself better and go the distance.

I realised that I held the belief that I did not have much to offer the world.

That I couldn’t create and build good things.

And I feared that I was going to move through life without fulfilling my deeper purpose.

During that time, I was hanging on for dear life and often the intensity of the situation got me exhausted trying to stay afloat.

During an intensive silent meditation retreat with an esteemed teacher, I asked to be given permission to return home early because I found myself starting to plot throwing myself in the Scottish lochs and drown in the river.

Upon my return, what hit home with me was that if I was going to put all this energy to try and get the strength I needed to take my own life, I might as well put that energy into healing and keeping myself alive.

This realisation ended up becoming the actual fuel that helped me make my turn around.

I then started discovering many more gifts which soon made it apparent that my depression had turned into my actual medicine.

Shamans and Medicine men and women around the world say that when we lose our way, for a human to be truly born and married into their spirit and true self and find our true path, we often have to reach a state of emergency, where we are forced and initiated to activate our true spirit self.

It’s like the urgency, brought to us through an illness, a loss, an intense life experience, forces us to truly become ourselves.

Since these two visits, I am pleased to say I have been on a very different life trajectory.

There is a noticeable change and grounded-ness in my own soul and path, despite the various challenges that have presented my way.

It has not meant that life has become easier, but my capacity to process things is more robust, whilst I seem to maintain a more continuous and deeper communion with my soul, as well as my spirit path.

I have a lot more fun creating, which doesn’t seem so scary anymore.

And as far as my soul conversations go, these days they are more fun and enjoyable, reminding me daily we are here to play and fulfil our destiny by leaving our energy signature and blueprint in the world and shining our light bright.

Would my light shine as bright had it not been for the darkness I had encountered?

I will leave this for you to decide.

I have learned that my darkness is not to be feared, as it holds the most healing medicine, able to transform me over and over again to my deepest, truest self.

Thank you for reading my story. I hope it guides you through your own tough times and inspires you to choose to be returning back to your light, time and time again.


Samaya Adelin

If Samaya’s experience resonates with you and you’d like to share your story to be considered for publication in our KindaProud Pocket Books of Hope series, please CLICK HERE to find the contact details for our Reps ❤





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Would you like to be heard on Peace Within Radio with Kelly Speaks?

I was delighted to be introduced to the lovely Kelly of Peace Within Radio because when we chatted I realised how aligned we were in our messages… the more voices the louder our messages of hope! I’m extra delighted that Kelly is now offering the opportunity to our community to be guests, and even potentially hosts! on her wonderful show… Thank you so much Kelly for all you are doing across the world through the airwaves ❤

Listen up if you feel called to speak out and #Emerge Proud on Peace Within Radio!

Kelly Martin

Mental Health and Music Radio – PEACE WITHIN RADIO

I’d like to say a warm hello to the members of the Emerging Proud community. My name is Kelly Martin, I am an author, podcaster, blogger and radio producer for ‘Peace Within Radio’. I am also a recovering darkness addict.

My journey began in childhood where I suffered from debilitating anxiety, panic attacks and as I entered my teenager years into adulthood, depression. I used to really identify with anxiety and depression, I assumed it would be a forever life experience. My identity was that of ANXIOUS KELLY or later FAILURE KELLY.

So in 2000 I started my spiritual journey, exploring life in all its aspects when backpacking around Australia. I didn’t know before 2000 that there was more to life than working, drinking and feeling in pain, but fortunately life stepped in and I was introduced to Reiki healing and also the big world of books, spirituality and different ways to find inner peace and balance.

To cut a long story short, 19 years on I am starting to emerge from the old story of failure, anxiety and depression knowing that probably the biggest dis-ease on this planet today is that of ‘not feeling good enough’, and through my work as a writer and podcaster I was introduced to radio as a mode to encourage and support those who needed it.

Born From The Darkness

‘Peace Within Radio’ was born out of a need to empower those who are drowning in the darkness of depression and other mental health issues. A voice of encouragement when the inner voice is critical and painful. I know from my own experience that to find a better way of looking at my journey was so important, but not everyone has access to the tools and words that can trigger such big change and emergence from the dark into the light, so ‘Peace Within Radio’ will be that voice.

However, we are not going to simply be ‘talk radio’, we will have music also. We fundraised for music licenses and we will be playing 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. We are primarily based in the United Kingdom, but we will be available worldwide.

Voices Needed

On April 1st, we will be launching the station after successfully fundraising for it in October 2018, but we need voices.

We need storytellers, therapists, coaches and encouraging people.

We need people who have been there, bought the t-shirt and are willing to share encouragement via pre-recorded messages of hope.

And for those brave ones amongst you, we are looking for show hosts to host a weekly show dedicated to emerging from the pain of depression, anxiety, PTSD, grief, chronic fatigue syndrome and so much more. You can be as creative as you wish and artistic too.

Poets and spoken word artists are all welcome.

Providing enough of you come forward I will be running the EmergeProud interview series on the station also; that all depends on numbers, but aside from the interview series we simply need open-hearted people with the time and energy to shine a light on what worked or is working for them.

Shows So Far

Examples of shows we have lined up so far include:

The Journey Of Life Mental Health Show – (A men’s mental health show, we welcome more on this topic)

The Urban Yoda (A one man talk show where a wise sage in his eighties reflects on how he has moved through crippling depression and difficulties to find his own balance through the ancient Chinese Philosophy the I-CHING and overall life experience)

The Secret Psychiatrist (shares her wisdom and expert experience with clients, along with interviews with advocates and other experts)

Megyn Blanchard (‘Fall In Love With Being Human’) delving into the reality of needing to embrace the shadow and move away from primarily positive thinking.

And we have many more coming forward.

So, if you feel you could record a show 20 minutes long (30 minutes maximum) weekly I’d love to hear from you. This can be done from the comfort of your own home while sitting in your PJ’s, relaxed and comfortable.

Or if you would like to occasionally voice a piece of spoken word poetry or your story, that would be very welcome also.

And lastly if you would like to be part of the EmergeProud interview show please get in touch. As I mentioned above I would need quite a large number for this show to go ahead and be sustainable.

To find out more about the project visit our successful crowdfunding campaign HERE our website HERE or join the FOCUS group to get further involved on Facebook.

We need researchers and voices for many aspects of the station including introducing shows. It is a big job and as we are all volunteers, an ongoing journey for us all.

Thank you Katie for introducing me to your community, I am so grateful to connect with you all.

Kelly Martin (


Kelly Martin is the author of ‘When Everyone Shines But You’ a mental health blogger,
podcaster at Kelly Martin Speaks and radio producer of the new mental health and music station Peace Within Radio. Kelly is on a mission to help those suffering with depression, anxiety and PTSD feel good enough exactly as they are.


When Everyone Shines But You

Mental health blogger

Kelly Martin Speaks

Screen Shot 2019-03-13 at 07.46.25

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Magdalena has used her personal turmoil as a ‘wake- up’ compass to direct her life purpose

As most of us discover after years of trying to make a difference in the world by being busy ‘doing’ good, Magdalena Smieszek found that it was her journey within that really gifted her the insight of her personal quest in connection to the whole of humanity. Her personal agony acted as a ‘wake-up call’ for healing both individually and collectively. As Magdalena explains, it was her birthright as a human to experience a profound spiritually transformative experience, and one that is now helping her to integrate more fully with her life purpose…

Magdalena photo

The Human Quest for Meaning

Our individual stories are connected in intricate ways to our collective stories. Like all stories, mine has had twists and turns, but the one thing that has been consistent is my search for meaning. Throughout life, I was especially drawn to the theme of justice. Influenced by my migratory and refugee childhood, the plight of the outsider in whatever form tore at my heartstrings. This embedded sense about injustice led to a career as a human rights advocate and humanitarian, hopeful that I too in Gandhi style wisdom can realize the change I want in the world. In fact, this objective took me around and around the world to do my little part in alleviating suffering. That to me was the right thing to do, the most meaningful one. Giving and receiving should equalize, I always thought. That’s a reasonable view, but also contentious as to where and how we attribute value.

Then came a time in my mid-thirties where the accumulated connection to the suffering of others had compounded my own suffering. I started to lose hope. The extent of human misery was overwhelming. I felt helpless when reflecting on the seemingly endless road of hurt that human beings inflict on each other. Distraught by the predicament of humanity as a whole, all the conflicts around the globe, and my own identity crisis in thinking that despite efforts I’m unable to do anything about it, I was thrust into despair. After years of connecting with many people and places, I disconnected from the outside world. I had gone far and wide to explore the external reality, and finally here I was, turning back to the point of origin, turning inside for much needed inner work and exploration.

I went into a deep meditative and transcendent state in which a powerful energetic force took over and pulled me through the doors of perception. On the other side was something incredibly profound – a tour of my own unconscious inner world, and even further, an exploration of the collective unconscious. So much of it is beautiful, for volumes to be filled. Just as much of it is dreadful, and yet we must confront it. Whatever doubt of the divine that I held, it dissolved. To me there was no mistaking it, I had a spiritual awakening of the most profound kind, the kind on which prophesies, spiritual traditions, and sacred texts are based. These days it can be shameful to say something like that. Who am I to say I had a visionary revelation, a Buddha-like enlightenment, a shamanic initiation, an awakening of such perfection and insight as Christ consciousness. Well, I am not ashamed to say – I am a human being, hence this is my birthright, and it happened.

In various degrees it lasted for days, weeks, and years, and it is still doing its work. This wasn’t a one-time occurrence but an opening and a process, sometimes blissful and sometimes distressing. The most meaningful part has been connecting my very personal experience to consensus reality – that process of integration, because as long as we live, it is not just in this miraculous inner universe but in a shared truth, even if this truth is continually shifting. I can get immersed in my inner experience, but the point is to bring it back, learn from it, expand, transform, connect, evolve, and create more beauty. Not only did I have a renewed hope, sense of purpose, and a vision, but a new index of downloaded information that I had to sort through.

How to bring it back and connect has been revealing itself as I moved forward in life. In some ways it’s obvious because human rights, aka the topic I’ve been obsessed with most of my life, are the evolving wisdom about human treatment drawn from numerous sources over generations and that includes spiritual traditions. But it goes back even further. An aspect of what we now call human rights have been in our unconscious before they took the form of conscious creations. They are tools for healing. This is our evolving universal morality for our betterment as individuals in our own unique story, and as humanity in our continually expanding collective story, transforming from immense pain and suffering towards greater compassion, care, inclusion, and love. We’re doing this by recognition of our shared dignity, our sacredness, our increasing empathy, and our expanding consciousness about what it means to be human as we include more and more experiences into our domain of understanding. This means also confronting the shadowy expressions of our existence.

Clearly there’s more work to do. There’s no shortage of pain and suffering in the world. That agony is a wake-up call for both individual and collective healing. Throughout history, mystics of all sorts have sought to create conditions for peace and love among humankind, not perfectly I may say, but in a very human way. They took the extraordinary turmoil of their awakening experience to create knowledge, movements, shifts in consciousness, and we are living their achievements. Now it’s our turn. How’s that for meaningful.

We couldn’t agree more Magdalena, what really seems to be at the core of our search for meaning is to collectively make the world a better place to live. As Roald Dahl says;

“Inside all of us is the power to change the world” 


We are no longer taking submissions for our Kinda Proud NOTEs Pocket Book, but we ARE still seeking stories for the 3 other titles. If you have a personal transformation story you’d like to share, then please CLICK HERE to find out how.

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3rd International #EmergingProud day celebrations only 9 weeks away!

notes launch 2019

Our 3rd International #Emerging Proud day celebrations are only 9 weeks away, and this year it’s a double- whammy!

Not only are we celebrating #EmergingProud day 2019, we’re also launching the first in our Kinda Proud pocket books of Hope and Transformation series…

#Emerging Proud through NOTEs (non-ordinary transcendent experiences) 

CLICK HERE TO SIGN UP for your online seat (donate whatever you can afford)

Arrange a party and stream in together, or sit back in your armchair and just listen, join us however you wish – we very much look forward to celebrating with you all ❤

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Brave Becky is Kinda Proud of emerging through a history of bullying and self- harm

As Becky bravely demonstrates through recounting her own story, recovery isn’t a linear process with a definite ‘end’. It’s most likely an ongoing development of self- awareness including needing to embrace self- love and self- acceptance over the opinions of others. Healthy body weight and shape / size is different for every individual, so learning to be happy in our own skin is the most important factor. As Becky says, finding your ‘tribe’; people with whom you can be yourself and who accept you as you are, can be a life – changing step to healing…

Becky S

So here goes my story of recovery. I won’t go into everything and you know what, that’s OK. No matter who you tell your story to, you only tell as much as you feel comfortable.

So, I grew up feeling very different to others, I was bullied every day and couldn’t seem to do anything to fit in, so I started just doing what I enjoyed. Sadly, the bullying didn’t stop and continued throughout my childhood. This of course impacted my self-esteem and confidence and I tended to hide away. I focused on my art and music that I connected with. I was even isolated at home and would stay in my room. I struggled with the emotions I felt and could not find a way to express them, so I turned to self-harm as a way to cope. When this was discovered this was also met with hostility and mocking.  I withdrew further and struggled to connect with others. As I grew older I focused a lot on what I ate as I could control this aspect of my life more than most others.  As I went to college all the years of being called fat, ugly and worthless caught up. That’s all I could see. Looking back, I was about a size 8, which for my tall height isn’t ideal, but I would grab skin and be convinced it was fat. I ate barely anything. It wasn’t until I kept losing weight and people started to notice and comment on how unwell I looked I started to realise. I started to eat a bit more but still struggled with body image and my confidence was still so low. My friend suggested I try modelling, which helped a bit as I was getting positive feedback on my style. I enjoyed the outfits and getting made up.  However, it could also be a point of conflict within myself as I compared myself to other others and how they looked. I still didn’t feel in control, so I became very fixated on getting top grades and this became my way of ‘being worthwhile’. This continued throughout uni and I felt I’d ‘failed’ if I didn’t get a first. I started counselling and later had CAT (Cognitive Analytical Therapy) and I slowly started to improve. I still really struggled with confidence, but it was improving.

As I grew older and found people with similar interests and those who didn’t judge me, I improved more. I wouldn’t say I’m the most confident or body confident individual, but I’ve come a long way and no longer hate myself, I accept myself for who I am and do my best to put love into the world. I support vulnerable adults as I want no-one to feel like I did growing up.

We are all always growing, but if we can recognise our negative past thought patterns and can learn from them, we can move forward. With support I’ve now not self-harmed in nearly 8 years, something I never thought possible.  I’m not super happy with my weight, but I’m not ugly, I feel like I’m a healthy size for me, I wouldn’t say I love my body, but I appreciate it. I’ve used tattoos to make my scars into what I see as transformation, and I find this beautiful. I’m grateful for all I learned and those who have supported me on my journey. Where there are shadows, there is also light. We can use this knowledge to help others and help heal ourselves.

Thank you Becky, for sharing your story to give others HOPE ❤

Do you resonate with Becky’s journey? Would you like to share your story and be considered for publication in Amy’s Kinda Proud pocket book;

#EmergingProud through disordered eating, body image and low self-esteem? 

Please contact Amy at:

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A wet run and Sunday musings; Is ‘Mental Illness’ an Objectified Construct of the Capitalist Shadow?

Today I was inspired by listening to Russell Brand’s #UnderTheSkin Podcast interview with Prof Kehinde Andrews entitled ‘Black Revolution and Whiteness Psychosis’, to think more deeply about a message I received during the epiphanic phase of my own awakening. I was given the message that;

Mental Illness’ does not exist; Insanity is real Sanity.

Ever since then I have been trying to fathom out what this actually means.

Today another penny dropped after listening to Russell and Kehinde, in relation to some personal processing I’ve been doing this week. Last week I made a very clumsy comment during a live Q+A session about the #EmergingProud film, which indirectly caused offence. For a moment (or a few hours afterwards actually), I found myself slipping into a familiar spiral of guilt and shame about how my naivety may have caused me to unintentionally come across as racist, until I stopped myself and realised that I needed to walk my talk and seek the opportunity to be gained from my pain of this experience.

I had been questioned about the premise of the #Emerging Proud campaign and explained that my intention was to create a new Human Rights movement; similar to the black and gay rights movements, only for how we perceive mental distress and altered states of consciousness.

It was mentioned that my film was not reflective of the disproportionate representation of black people who end up in psychiatric detention in the West. This is very true, and has made me reflect on my own inherent prejudice just through seeing things through my very privileged white western lens. Maybe I had unconsciously avoided looking at these issues as they were easier for me to ignore as a white woman? As I listened to Kehinde talk about ‘Whiteness psychosis’ I was feeling a bit triggered, until I realised that he was right.

I’ve recently had many a discussion and thought about how working within the Western bio-medical model dominant system causes huge cognitive dissonance (and ironically perpetuates the very thing it’s trying to improve; human suffering) for Workers with Lived Experience of mental distress.

So, what if we take that concept and magnify it out?

Kehinde was talking about the dissonance caused for himself by promoting an anti- Western capitalism paradigm shift, whilst working within the capitalist education system; how his values are diametrically opposed to his behaviour, also paradoxically perpetuated by the system that he relies upon to survive and pay his bills and care for his family.

This is the very dialogue which is very prevalent for me at the moment; how is it possible to ‘Mend the Gap’ between honouring my personal calling, and needing to earn enough money to survive within the paradigm we ultimately want to change?

Has the Western world created the idea of psychosis and indeed any ‘mental illness’ being insanity as a way of denying our collective capitalist shadow, which actually prevents our evolution, the very thing we are striving for? Have we objectified our collective pain, shame and guilt from the genocide caused by creating the patriarchal society we live in, as a way of avoiding having to look at what we need to change?

When we ‘wake up’ and experience the internal discord that this realisation creates, is there any wonder that One can lose their mind? Is so called madness really true sanity in this case?

When we awaken to our spiritual Self, we feel connected to the illogical nature of the pain and the suffering of the world and it can become unbearable. As more people awaken, the suicide and homeless rates are increasing as people feel the weight of this collective shadow.

An internal split is created between our ‘true’ spiritual identity, and the human identity  which we’ve created to fit into the constructs and pressures of the current materialist paradigm, and systems that we’ve created within it.

Integrating these polarised identities is  the biggest challenge of spiritual awakening, and if that could be acknowledged within our society, then perhaps more people could more easily live their calling, which is always ultimately to create a fairer, more compassionate world.

This is why we need another Human Rights movement for those ‘awakening’ to this insanity, the REAL insanity.

What is the answer?

Russell and Kehinde didn’t have the answer so I’m hardly likely to.

However, for a start, rather than shunning those who are waking up to this split within our society and themselves, such as those we’ve labelled as ‘crazy’, suicidal or homeless, perhaps we should see them as holding vital answers; perhaps we should be prioritising the nurturing of these sensitive souls who often take themselves outside of our cultural norms because they find it just too painful to be a part of, rather than prioritising the augmentation of the capitalist society that is ultimately killing all of us.

We need to re- prioritise what we’re honouring within our current political, educational and health systems and recognise the importance of spiritual over economic practices; the practices that can assist us to connect us to ourselves and each other. This is not ‘woo- woo’, ‘wafty’ or unnecessary. Practices that make us go inwards to recognise our own pain and our collective pain, that brings us closer to our individual calling, and ultimately a paradigm shift. We need a mass honouring of our ‘humanness’. Ultimately we are all a microcosm of the collective; if each and every person were given the tools and resources we need to take care of our own healing, then the world would be healed one person at a time.

For any oppressed group to be heard, we have to shine a light on these issues and provide a platform for these narratives to occur.

We need to shine a much brighter light on the relationship between trauma and awakening; the seemingly very logical nature of how extreme someone’s awakening experience is in its manifestation in relation to how much trauma they have experienced in their life, or even, if we look at the bigger socio, economic and political picture, their whole ancestral history… But that is an additional discussion.

Maybe we need to start a Human Rights movement for the wisdom contained in ‘insanity’; Is madness the real sanity pushing us towards a very necessary anthropological shift for the survival of our species?

Kehinde talked about a pan- Africanism revolution, I think we need to go for broke and aim for a pan-humanism revolution.



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Linda describes how her journey through confusion and chaos led to her finding the truth about who she is, and what gifts she has to offer the world as a result

Linda’s story is a special one for me, (Katie, #Emerging Proud Founder), to share, as Linda was one of the few people who offered me a non- judgemental safe space to work through my own spiritual crisis in 2012. We travelled the unfolding of our journeys alongside each other, often mirroring, and triggering each other to growth…

As Linda explains, her repressed trauma catalysed a spiritual awakening for her, and without a prior context for that, the chaos that ensued caused instability, as it does for many who experience a spontaneous awakening.

Today, 7 years on, Linda is bringing her individual passion for providing deep listening that emerged from her crisis into both her own life’s mission and a joint project that we are evolving together; the transformational opportunities of crisis indeed! Hear Linda’s journey through her own words…


As the dowsing rod spun faster and faster above my head, I felt a release in my body and a tear drop trickled down my cheek.

Confused by my emotional response, I asked what was happening…

The course leader explained that I was probably feeling the relief of freely accessing my innate feminine gift of connecting with earth energy. She explained that for generations, we have repressed our innate sensory, intuitive and supernatural gifts, to protect ourselves from the risk of being drowned or burnt at the stake, as these gifts were associated with witchery. Now it is ‘safe’ to be who we really are, without the risks of the past; the release I felt was ancestral, as well as personal.

There had been no room in my life for drama, or the non-ordinary and I had no context in my upbringing for the spiritual, supernatural or transcendental. My 45 years had been happy, stable and sweet.  In early 2011, I began to feel increasingly highly sensitive and euphoric and this coincided with a new awareness of synchronicity and receiving messages from vivid dreams with symbols of sacred geometry. As well as feeling more emotional, I also felt frequent blissful moments as though cradled in a silky wrap of unconditional love and floating on a cloud of cotton wool. The euphoria continued intermittently for around four months.


More extreme, was having a vision (or hallucination?) of light emanating from the soil. I had a knowing that the mirror like points of light were some kind of message, though it must have been for my subconscious, as I had no idea what the message was. Although I felt completely comfortable during the experience, I did feel concerned the following morning, when I described the event out loud.

A few times over those months, I found myself emerging from spontaneous, trance-like states with a disparate view of the world; the revelations were liberating and I became evangelical (and probably very annoying), about what I had ‘seen’ and now ‘knew’ to be true. Although many of these revelations have since become mainstream, my values changing 180 degrees overnight, caused chaos in my life and for my family.

We had no context for my experiences and it was assumed that my ‘instability’ was at best a mid life crisis and at worst a psychotic breakdown and imbalance of chemicals in my brain. Feeling misunderstood, alone and alienated from everyone who had ever known and loved me, it was a relief to meet someone who shared their similar anomalous experiences and so fully accepted and understood what I was experiencing.

I was only fleetingly aware of the internal split I was feeling and at one point, when feeling desperately confused and alienated, I fell to my knees and prayed for the first time in my life.. and within 15 minutes I had received an answer – a direct experience of ‘God,’ which considering my atheist upbringing, was.. unacceptable! I was buoyed up by visions of angels radiating their healing light to protect my family… chaos ensued…

Within a few months, the gravity of the pain and shock I’d passed on to my family, began to pierce my heart and I spiralled into despair. Amidst my vulnerability, I made it my mission to understand exactly what had happened to me mentally, emotionally, psychologically and spiritually. I embarked on a journey and immersed myself in exploration, research and study: including questioning and listening to peers. This gave me good understanding of the nature of my spiritual awakening, experiences and life crisis, as well as the healing processes that followed…

In February 2011, I was shocked at being introduced to my half brother at a family party: he had been kept a secret from us. I felt gushing compassion for him, as he had not known the wonderful Dad my late Father was: I welcomed him into our family. A series of revelations about my birth family followed and I tried to understand my parents’ decisions. Although I was dealing with my anger consciously and moving towards forgiveness, something deep within my psychological foundation had shifted and it was as though, as the truth about my family was revealed, so to was the truth about the world and in time, the truth about who I am.

It is only in retrospect that I realise, that in hearing the truth around my Father, I’d felt a trauma and it had triggered a deep break in my psyche. I had indeed lost much of my rational capacity: it was as though my left brain took a break and my energy flooded my right brain. Maybe just as the truth about my family had been repressed, parts of who I am had been repressed and the revelations gave an opening and permission for those repressed parts of my psych to be liberated, in an explosion of unconscious chaos, as I suddenly became sensitive, tuned in and alive with my new intuitive gifts and emotional state, contrasting to the fairly quiet, logical, rational and composed wife and mother, I had been.

There are maybe two reasons that I managed to hold on to my sanity through these months:

1 – I had a strong solid foundation – for 45 years before the shock, I had lived a stable and happy life

2 – Intuitively, I found a group of people who listened to me with skill and validated and normalised my experiences as they shared their similar experiences. Gaining courage to share more and hearing myself, helped me make sense of my story. I began to accept myself and realise the strength and gifts I’d gained from my crisis. My confidence grew and gradually I clawed back my rational capacity and the spirals of healing, rebalancing and integration continue..

Making sense of my challenges in a way that contributes to others feeling heard and understood, to enhance wellbeing, is an important part of my journey.

Initially, I felt compelled to offer the same support I’d received and so facilitated a peer support group. Katie had encouraged me to start the group through a vision she’d had! We all felt the relief each week, of having a safe space to share our experiences that we couldn’t comfortably share with family, colleagues or other friends. The bonds we made over those two years were strong and we are still connected now.

I developed my KindaListening project as a training programme to enhance connection and empower people to resource themselves and each other, through developing stronger skills in deeper listening and empowering conversation. Feeling heard helps!

KindaListening is proving to be a strong ‘revolutionary’ foundation for communication that empowers self awareness and authentic, conscious expression, enabling creating a safe space for others to share. As such, it has become a key foundational training for Peer Group Facilitation. This was initially for the Emerging Kind Peer Group Facilitator training, inspired by Katie’s Emerging Proud event in 2017, and then for our Support Source Community Sharing Circles Facilitator training which was Big Lottery funded. We are now rippling out the benefits of being heard to sustain wellbeing within organisations.


To find out more about what Linda’s training offers, go to:

Have you experienced a personal transformation that was catalysed through a crisis?

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