It’s International suicide prevention week; we can save lives through talking, sharing and proving to others that there is always HOPE…
This lady’s story is unfortunately not that rare, but her strength and bravery to speak out is… She is indeed living proof that you can experience numerous traumatic life events that act as catalysts for that one fatal moment. However, those moments don’t have to be fatal if you reach out and seek help. As she explains below, she’s chosen to be anonymous to protect her children, but says; we can literally help reduce the number of suicides on a global scale through raising awareness. Here’s what saved her;
Aged 11 a significant event happened in my life which I now know damaged me forever. I was suffering with extreme tummy ache and my mum took me to the doctors. He asked her to sit outside the surgery whilst he did his examination. My mum didn’t think anything of this as he had been the family doctor for a long time but unfortunately on that occasion he abused me and changed the path of my life forever. He instructed me to lie on my side facing away from him and commenced his abuse, the last straw was when he finally inserted an item into me that caused incredible pain, I screamed out and he huffed and told me to get dressed. The examination went on for what felt like a lifetime but in reality was only about 5 minutes. He invited my mum back into the office and told her that all was clear and there was nothing to worry about. I was in agony, shell shocked and crying, I told my mum that he had hurt me and she just dismissed it telling me not to be silly and that doctors had to examine. Later that day, still writhing in agony my mum and dad forced me to go to hospital. I remember literally wrapping myself around the steel bed poles on my bed at home as there was no way I would allow another doctor to touch me again. Eventually I arrived at hospital where another examination took place which was quick and over in seconds and it was at that point I knew that I had been abused in the most intimate of ways. I just didn’t realise the lifetime effects.
My mum didn’t believe me, she thought that I was being over dramatic about the appointment. It was a very lonely time for me and I spent a lot of time alone and in my room, my mum who was my best friend didn’t believe me so why would anyone else?
I believe this abuse set my path in whom I was going to be in a relationship with, and how I would live my life. Before the abuse I was confident, happy, free. It changed me – all of me.
It was years later when I had children of my own that my mum rang me crying and said “I’m so sorry Nic – I should have believed you”. She told me that she had seen in the newspaper that morning that the Doctor had been sent to prison for sexually abusing many female patients, I was grateful for it finally being acknowledged and grateful he had been caught.
As a result of the abuse, I was unable to give birth children naturally. The abuse affected how my mind and body worked. Even now at 48, I am unable to be examined internally, my mind and body take over and it’s almost like my legs clamp together and they cannot be opened. In childbirth, I couldn’t dilate more than 6 cm’s so after 36 hours an emergency caesarean was required for my first child. I was unable to allow the nursing staff to conduct any examinations with their hands or utensils. As you can imagine this embarrassment has followed me for years.
Lack of self-esteem, lack of confidence, lack of sexual ability made me a prime target for the men I chose to have relationships with, and I have been in two unhealthy long term relationships that span over 25 years of my life. The first lasted 11 years. He was older than me, disciplined, organised and very controlling, and as long as I complied, the relationship was satisfactory. The difficulties in our marriage only occurred when I started to question his rulings and I became more successful in my career.
My second relationship and marriage happened three years later. I now realise that he emotionally abused me from the onset, teasing me about how attractive he was to other women, leaving women’s phone numbers for me to see, laughing at my sexual inadequacies, mocking my ability and tearing down my self-esteem. He relished in his ability to charm the ladies and often bragged about discounts or free items he received because of his charms. He was a liar who believed his own lies and concocted some incredible stories which I believed. I am an intelligent woman and to this day I cannot believe what I allowed to happen. Why I didn’t leave him back then I will never know.
Our children were born and they gave me reason to smile, they are also the reason I finally found the courage and strength to leave. The abuse continued but I didn’t care, my life was complete because of our children. As they grew older, the abuse continued to escalate, verbal abuse was a daily thread, emotional abuse through texts, phone calls was increasing and it was no longer just verbal and emotional, it became physical too. He bullied, blackmailed and threatened me for the last 5 years of our relationship and every time I threatened to leave he rhymed off a list of things he would do to hurt me and my family; my family had been through enough emotional pain for other reasons and I couldn’t risk hurting them any further. I was too afraid to leave. My self-esteem hit rock bottom, my confidence was low, my ability to think for myself was disappearing fast and I turned to alcohol to alleviate the pain and sadness when the children went to bed. It was my only means of escape. I continued to work full time in a particularly challenging role and to this day I do not know how as I was turning into a nervous wreck.
At home, every day he would creep up behind me and frighten me, or he would hide behind doors to frighten me, he thought it was fun, I was a nervous wreck – frightened of my own shadow. He would tell me that when the red mist struck – he was not responsible for his actions as he wasn’t in control – he would describe himself as Jekyll and Hyde. I knew he was preparing me for the next stage of abuse, just counting the days and then finally one night just after I had put the boys to bed, his dark side took over and he strangled me to a point I couldn’t see – if it wasn’t for a friend being there and telling him to get off me, I know I would have died.
Boxing Night 2014, just four months later a volatile argument resulted in me being thrown down the stairs in front of the children and then across the room, breaking my shoulder in several places, yet I stayed in the relationship. I don’t know why I didnt report him to the police and I didn’t escape then. Every day I’d wake up, wish I hadn’t, prepare the boys for school, take the boys to school and go to work and exist. I didn’t know or couldn’t remember what it was to live and be happy, I just knew I was trapped in a loveless relationship that broke a little more of me each day. For two years I stayed in that relationship praying for a get out but there didn’t seem to be any way out. I believed in every lie and threat he made. After I picked the children up from school, I would prepare the evening meal and dread the sound of his van pulling onto the drive. Sometimes the abuse had already started via text, sometimes he would wait a while but every day there was something. Often I would ask him to just hit me and get it out of his system as the emotional hurt was so much more – he never took me up on that offer. Finally I plucked up the courage and told him I was leaving for good. He replied that I would never be able to leave him unless I was in a box. He promise that if I left he would destroy me and take away my children. I had never felt so lost, isolated and trapped. I was at last …broken.
Driving to work one morning I noticed a wall and contemplated how fast I would have to drive into that wall to ensure that I never woke up. I watched that wall for days and mentally prepared myself for driving into it at 80mph. I was ready to go, I knew I was ready to go; I’d had enough. Staying was killing me slowly anyway, why should I give him the satisfaction and wait for him to kill me – I wanted to do it myself.
Death via suicide seemed like the only option to escape from my living nightmare. But how could I leave my kids with him?
That one loving thought of my children saved me and I knew I had to do something. I contacted a friend who did hypnotism. She helped me to release some negative emotions and connected me on a spiritual level to my guides. They told me that it was not my time and I had work to do. They told me it was my soul’s purpose to help others and support children. This would become my legacy.
My spirit guides words gave me so much encouragement and hope. I decided to spend each day being grateful for what I had, focussing on the positive and staying away from my husband as much as possible. Every day I grew a little bit stronger.
The emotional abuse continued day and night, the physical abuse had stopped. Psychological abuse became his latest technique and shining a torch into my eyes whilst sleeping became his favourite trick. I slept downstairs on a camp bed and the final straw came when he stood over me with his torch, laughing at me whilst reading my diary.
It was that pivotal moment I decided that I was going to take the boys and we were going to escape that day. That moment of clarity will stay with me forever.
I left the house with 7 bin bags and a few toys for the children, I was supported by domestic abuse agencies and friends who furnished my rented house. Every day was difficult. I was continuously afraid of what he was going to do next. Since that day he has played every card from his list of blackmail but has achieved nothing. I look back now and wonder how on earth I believed that he would take my children from me.
Three years on, my boys and I live in a house we call home. I am newly engaged to a lovely man who supports and cares for my children and I have a future that looks bright.
I have set up my own hypnotherapy practise to help people like me but more importantly to help children affected by domestic abuse. Children don’t choose to live with parents who argue and fight and they shouldn’t have to suffer because of it. I know from personal experience it affects them in ways that aren’t obvious at the time, my children have been lucky to receive support from counsellors, hypnotherapy and friends but issues still arise even now and it frightens me to think of what could have happened if I hadn’t secured that help.
From personal experience I do not believe that suicide occurs from one incident. I feel It is a manifestation of numerous events that catalysts that one fatal moment. I strongly believe that if we are able to stop the manifestation of compounded negative thoughts and have regular emotional clear-outs – we can literally help reduce the number of suicides on a global scale. I am living proof of that.
I look forward to a day that these emotional clear outs are available to all.
I’ve had to be anonymous to protect my children – they are just too young to understand what mummy went through and already blame themselves for some of the abuse. They are my first, my last, my everything and the reason I am here today. One day in the future I will share my story with them when they are ready but for now I hope this gives hope to anyone in the darkness. You can be free, you can start afresh, life is worth living .
My mission in life to assist as many people as possible to reduce stress and let go of emotional baggage. Our emotions control our life and they can stop us from living the life we want to live. Our unconscious mind is so powerful – it creates barriers to stop us from getting hurt and this is why we over eat, we smoke too much, we create fears and phobias. There are so many examples.
My dream is to set up a charity totally focussed on supporting children affected by domestic abuse, I firmly believe that our mind set is developed when young and whatever we experience “negative or positive” this is stored in our unconscious mind and creates the strategies for later life.
I believe that if we were able to let go of emotional baggage and could wave a magic wand allowing all 18 year olds to move forward without emotional baggage, feeling confident, at peace and happy – we could create a whole new world and I look forward to being part of the movement that makes this happen.
Does this subject resonate with your own experience?
Would you like to share your story for either Kelly’s KindaProud book,
#EmergingProud through suicide,
Please contact Kelly at: firstname.lastname@example.org
or Mandy’s book:
#EmergingProud through Trauma and Abuse
Please contact Mandy at: email@example.com
By sharing your story you can inspire others that there is hope and that they are not alone… ❤