Steve Carr #Emerges Proud to tell the world how the tragic death of his brother Paul led him to finally “rise like a phoenix from the flames after hitting rock bottom” for Kelly’s KindaProud pocket book of hope; #Emerging Proud through suicide…

Does this subject resonate with your own experience? 

Would you like to share your story for Kelly’s KindaProud book, #EmergingProud through suicide? 

Please contact Kelly to find out how by contacting her at:  kelly@positivityprincess.com

Friday 13th September 1991, aged just 15 years, my life was changed forever. My dear brother was tragically killed, along with four other children, by a reckless drunk driver in the Akers Way horror crash in Swindon.  Paula Barnes, 15, Belinda Brown, 19, Paul Carr, 16, Sheree Lear, eight, and seven-year-old Ian Lilley were playing on the grassed area off Akers Way when the driver lost control of his car at high speed and crashed into the group of youngsters.

The tragedy shook the community and provoked fury among campaigners who had long been calling for a lower speed limit and other safety measures on the road.

I received no support or help following my loss, due to my father’s decision that my sister and I would be o.k.  Instead I chose to mask the trauma and deep pain with alcohol, cigarettes and drugs.

My mother and father divorced shortly after it happened and I was forced out of my family home.

I lost contact with my Mother, father & sister, I could not hold onto any form of relationship for long periods due to the fear of loss and rejection and as fast as I was gaining friends, jobs and relationships I was losing them.

During my early 30’s, things started to look up for me when I managed to hold down a job for long enough to buy a house, but then I found cocaine.

I thought I was doing well until I found cocaine, or cocaine found me.

I became an addict in a very short space of time.  After a little under a year of taking cocaine, I lost my house, my job, and my friends. I lost everything, and my habit was costing me £100 a day. I couldn’t stop what I was doing to myself until one day I pushed it too far.

I became homeless with just enough money for one more high, the last high.

With a concoction of drugs & alcohol including Cocaine, Methadrone, & legal highs, I vowed to take my own life.

Something happened that day and I was saved, the concoction almost killed me, but something pulled me back, something saved me. 

I can’t say what it was but I was given another chance. 

After suffering a breakdown due to work related stress, and my employment being terminated whilst off sick, I  attempted taking my own life a further two times before I was diagnosed with mental health problems.

Borderline PTSD, High Functioning Anxiety, Depression, Stress, Addiction, Childhood Trauma.

I remember the third suicide attempt quite vividly. I had just taken 24 grams of Methadrone, half a gram of strong cocaine, half a litre of Whiskey and half a gram of legal high “Spice”. I fell back on to my bed and knew I was overdosing and slipping into unconsciousness; it felt quite normal, like I was falling asleep. I felt warm and as if I was floating on water, then a rush came where I was falling backward, It was then four faces appeared before me. 

Two of the four faces I recognised, one was my nan who had sadly passed away 4 years prior to my suicide attempts, and the other was my brother.

They both said “come with us, you’ll be safe”, I knew at this point if I did, I would have died, I was fighting death, I was slipping in and out of unconsciousness for eight solid hours, each time falling deeper, but I wouldn’t let go, I was petrified, I was sweating, I was delirious, I thought I was going to die, and now after trying to take my life, I didn’t want to. 

Once I had come through the other side of the overdose, I knew something was different, I had seen death, I had seen my brother, I had seen my nan, I didn’t see them in the form of figures, I saw their faces, it was very clear what they said to me, I had experienced the other side. 

The other side was dark, like the night sky, but also very calming, there was no drama, no noise, nothing was in the way, all just was, it felt like swimming underwater in the sea or what I would imagine being in space felt like with no gravity.

I can still remember it as clear as day, three years later.

The best way I can explain it is like this; you know the moment you drift off into sleep, your eyes feel heavy but you feel a warm heady sensation course through you just before sleep begins; this is how it felt.

The very next day I gave up smoking after 25 years, I gave up taking drugs after 25 years, and finally resided to the fact I needed professional help. 

The night before I asked my brother and asked God for help, I pleaded with them, and stated if they saved me from this hell on earth I was experiencing I would pray every day and go to church as often as I could, I have to say at this point that I was not a practising Christian or believed in God for that matter.

There are several influencing factors that helped spark the want in me for change that night. The first is that I had hit rock bottom, I had no friends, I alienated them all to protect them when I found cocaine, as I didn’t want them to know about my dirty little secret. The next was that my life had got to the stage where it was well and truly out of control. The third was that I could remember there was a brief time I had everything a ‘normal’ person could wish for, a house, money in the bank, a car, holidays, and friends, and finally I had a belief; I believed that something bigger that myself was, and could help me, first I had to let go of the Ego. 

I believe my Ego died that night, I believe I had a spiritual awakening, what I thought was the end of the world was actually the start of a new life, one where I had to find out who I actually was. 

There are mixed views on suicide, people will say things like it’s selfish, or he/she must have been mad/crazy; that simply isn’t the case, take it from a survivor; the last thing you are is selfish, you actually are putting everybody else before you, and that’s the problem, you forget about yourself, you want to make everybody else happy; you keep giving and giving until you have nothing left. Your life isn’t your own as you are trying to do the best you can with what you have.

My transition to consciousness after the failed suicide attempts was so incredibly painful; but now I believe it was necessary. 

It was the start of my re-awakening and beginning of my healing journey.  Today I am proud to say I am no longer trapped by my past. I chose to confront my deamons head on; I chose the path of conscious awareness, self and personal development. I chose to take a look at what was driving me, my subconscious beliefs and to start life from scratch, almost like being reborn. Everything I thought I knew was wrong, It was as if I had been brainwashed from an early age and it wasn’t serving me any longer, the battle was far too great, the burden far too heavy. I believe there there is a driving force, an energy behind everything and it was knowing that there is something bigger than me saved me that day. I don’t believe there to be a god per se, as in a person, I believe that god is a power, and it’s in us all and everything; there is a reason and a purpose for us all.

I feel lucky to be on this journey through life discovering my own true purpose, to have been gifted with another chance, to have seen total despair to be brought back and appreciate life, the small things and be grateful for living in abundance. I believe we are here just to experience life through our flesh and bones, we are a physical extension of source energy, sent here to live, love, heal and play, life is serious or as complicated as we choose to make it, each lived in our own unique way. There is no right or wrong, just what’s right for us. Life is truly amazing. I now have my own Mental Health education business and have recently qualified as a private pilot, I’ve walked all of Britain and I have the most amazing partner who supports me.

All of this was born out of hitting rock bottom, and I rose like a phoenix from the flames, inspiring and teaching others to do the same.

Does this subject resonate with your own experience? 

Would you like to share your story for Kelly’s KindaProud book, #EmergingProud through suicide? 

Please contact Kelly to find out how by contacting her at:  kelly@positivityprincess.com

“My brother, Paul Carr 16 yrs old, tragically taken on Friday the 13th of September 1991 in a devastating car accident that rocked the entire community. My purpose and passion were all stemmed from this amazing soul. His memory lives on in my work.”