Do you want to help evolve a new holistic conceptual framework for mental health?

Screenshot 2019-09-19 at 09.00.18

CLICK HERE TO BOOK YOUR PLACE

Everyone in this community knows that we need a framework for our spiritual / transcendent / psychedelic experiences that is not pathological, but what is specifically needed in mental health services to support these experiences in a more helpful way?

Intention and setting has a vital impact on the healing process… iatrogenic harm is a huge factor on preventing healing in our current system; how do we bring in the narrative of ‘Post-traumatic growth’ and the switch from victimisation into possibility for transformation into services? 

We are all coming to the same destination (a need for a new post-partriarchal psychiatric paradigm) via different doorways – let’s focus on the destination rather than the door; where are our bridges?

The aim of the our gathering in London on Jan 17th 2010 is for the ideas from the collective voices who gather to inform a recommendation report to the Authors of the Power, Threat, Meaning Framework around how to be more inclusive of , and how best to support, ‘altered states of consciousness / transcendent’ experiences.

Do you have an idea to share? Your voice will be heard.. 

CLICK HERE TO BOOK YOUR PLACE

With thanks to  Safely Held Spaces  for their kind sponsorship of the report, which will be available publicly in Feb 2020.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , , , , , | 2 Comments

Our 4th KindaProud Pocket Book is due for release on 10th Oct!

Who said it was impossible to publish 4 books in 6 months? With such an amazing team of kind people, anything is possible!

World Mental Health day is on the 10th Oct and we thought it would be the perfect day to change conversations about mental health to ones that are more hopeful – these 16 inspirational faces have #Emerged Proud to share their personal stories.

They have all experienced very different challenging life events, but they all have one thing in common; they now see their crises as being catalysts for transformation…

Through Trauma cover v3

This inspirational little pocket book will be available for pre-order in just a couple of weeks! Keep an eye on THIS PAGE to place your order.

With thanks to support from The Missing Kind Charity, the proceeds from all KindaProud book sales will go to distribute FREE books to mental health facilities worldwide.

Our published books in the series so far:

Screenshot 2019-09-16 at 09.27.06.png

ORDER YOURS HERE

We are currently seeking match- funding to complete our 8 book series – CONTACT US if you are interested in becoming an official sponsor for this incredible collaborative project. 

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

World Suicide Prevention Day 2019

Suicide Prevention

Today is World Suicide Prevention Day.

Today sees the release of our KindaProud pocketbook on inspiring stories of suicide survival. This is never an easy topic to discuss, although unfortunately it touches most people’s lives in some way.

We are so grateful to all those involved who are helping to break the stigma, in a positive and empowering way, one conversation at a time.

CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR COPY

Don’t forget that the proceeds from books sales go to distribute FREE books to those in need – your purchase could be helping to save lives all over the world

CLICK HERE TO GET YOUR COPY

#Worldsuicideawarenessday  #suicideawarenessmonth #EmergingProudthroughSuicide
Posted in Uncategorized | Tagged , , , , | 1 Comment

A traumatic incident has helped Navreet to listen to and trust her inner voice

Navreet from London, UK, knows first-hand the powerful healing potential of story-telling. Here she beautifully highlights, through sharing one of her own traumatic experiences, the importance of having a compassionate space in which our stories can be received and not diminished, and also the incredible power of our intuitive voice…

IMG_0995 copy

There is a voice inside my head.

It tells me whether you’re worth getting to know.

It reminds me to lift my gaze once in a while and breathe in the sky.

Sometimes, it wakes me in the morning, insisting on what I ought to do next.

It never tells me why.

It does not tell me how I should fix my hair or if buying the black pleather midi skirt in the sale was a good idea.

It offers no suggestions when I don’t know what to make for dinner.

Though I wish it would.

These are the things I need help with the most.

But I have learned over time to listen and to trust this voice when it speaks.

And I know now that between us, we’ve got this.

******

I am staying at my boyfriend’s flat on main campus at Aston University, in Birmingham. I usually live away on a different campus site but while he is away on work experience, I can stay at his so I can use the library.

I am a good girl.

One evening, I decided I didn’t want to stay. I wanted to return to my flat in Handsworth Wood, to see my flat mates, have a soak in the bath and, sleep in my own bed.

The moment I decide, I hear a voice that tells me, Don’t go.

But I want to.

And again, I hear, Don’t go.

I feel a nervous dread in the pit of my stomach. I don’t know what it means. Maybe it will pass.

It doesn’t.

And I still want to go home.

Eventually I decide to go but to appease the voice, I remove my jewellery, leave my cards and cash but take enough money for the bus fare there and back and, £1.20 to call my boyfriend from a payphone. It’s the early 1990’s. There were no mobile phones then.

It’s about 8pm when I leave. It’s fine, I tell myself.

Walking through the subways of Birmingham alone is risky. And gross- what with all the flashing and catcalling.

As I make my way through what feels like a concrete dungeon, I notice a policewoman walking up ahead.

As anxious as I am, I take this to be a good omen.

I walk fast to catch up with her, so that we look like we’re walking together.

The bus comes almost immediately. Another sign.

I sit near the driver. Because I am sensible.

My flat isn’t far from the bus stop. I am on the home straits. I spot an empty phone box and decide to call my boyfriend. The nervous dread is still with me but I know I’ll be safe in here. After all. It’s a box.

I call my boyfriend and as soon as we begin to speak, the door opens behind me.

A hand appears out of nowhere and presses the switch hook of the phone. I hear the pound coin drop to the bottom and the hand removes the coin.

I don’t remember dropping the receiver. But I do remember watching it swing from side to side.

I feel arms tighten around me and something sharp against my neck.

I’m scared. I’m so fucking scared.

My heart is beating so fast. I feel it pulse in the back of my throat.

I can’t breathe. My mouth is dry. I’m fighting so hard to stop my knees from buckling.

Is this really happening to me?

I think I’m told not to move or make a sound.

He wants money. I don’t have any money.

He pushes me up against the phone and grabs my bag.

How will I get out of here?

Then something happened.

I felt a deep sense of calm and clarity come over me. I was fully present. Embodied. Alert.

I hear the voice in my head. So, what happens now? How does this end?

I run through different scenarios in my mind.

Maybe I’m stabbed and I die?

Or maybe I’m raped, stabbed, and then I die?

Or maybe I’m stabbed, but I end up in intensive care, and then I go into a coma, but then I die?

Do people hold vigils for unknown brown women?

Is my life important enough to make it on the news?

The voice says, Well, it doesn’t sound like you have anything to lose, then. But if you do survive, the police will want a description. At least get a description.

I raise my hands calmly, and I slowly turn around to face him. I tell him he should check my pockets for money. As he does, I take a good look at him, and I take the image of him in—the colour of his eyes and his hair, his clothes.

The Stanley knife in his hand.

He notices the tracking movements of my eyes, and he quickly spins me round and pushes me up against the phone. His grip around me is much tighter, and his hands are moving over my breasts.

The voice tells me, Don’t move. Don’t even flinch. Let him touch you. Let him think he has you.

As he does, I wonder how I got into the phone box. What hand did I use to open the door? Which way does the door open?

His hands are moving downwards towards my groin.

And in that moment, I decide.

I’d rather die.

I force my weight against him and push him back into the door and use his weight to leverage the door open.

The door opens. I run. I think I am screaming.

And when I realise he’s not chasing me, I want to find him and kill him myself.

There is an Indian man standing in the driveway of his house, watching me.

‘I’ve just been mugged. Which way did he go?’

He tells me he doesn’t know. He tells me he thought we were together, but that he couldn’t be sure because of the steam and condensation on the windows.

I start running down a side street, and he tells me it’s not a good idea.

He asks me if I’m okay?

Of course I’m not okay!

He offers to drive me home, and I tell him he’s crazy.

‘I’m not getting in a car with you. You’re a stranger. You’re a man.’

He offers to bring his wife along so I feel safer, she just has to get ready, and get her

purse. And baby.

While I wait outside, every single member of the extended family appears at the door, wanting to know what happened, wanting to come along for the ride.

Eventually, everyone is seated in the car.

Everyone except me. There is no room. The grandfather decides he will stay behind.

The drive is excruciatingly slow owing to the weight of the car. There is a smell of baby sick.

The baby is crying.

I am crying.

‘What are you crying for?’

The grandmother says, ‘It’s not like you were raped.’

Silence.

‘He didn’t touch you down there, did he?’

‘No.’

‘Well, that’s all right then, because otherwise you would have been spoiled.’

I want to get the hell out of here.

We eventually arrive at the campus, and as I watch their car drive off, I find myself standing in the silence, looking up at the night sky.

I am home.

I made it home.

Who is Navreet?

Navreet Chawla is a storyteller, spoken word performer and workshop facilitator.

Drawing on over 20 years of experience as a pharmacist in complementary medicine, and her background in performance, Navreet facilitates narrative healing and shared storytelling workshops and teaches yoga nidra, a deeply restorative relaxation practice.

We now have our full quota of stories for our 4th KindaProud pocket book; #Emerging Proud through Trauma and Abuse due out on 10th Oct. CLICK HERE to find out how to get your copy! 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | 1 Comment

#Emerging Proud through Suicide officially launches on Tuesday 10th Sept

The 10th September 2019 will see the 16th World Suicide prevention day, and still the amount of people taking their lives every year is on the increase…

Screen Shot 2019-09-07 at 12.57.14

We desperately need to change the narrative around these experiences within society to ensure this epidemic starts to decline.

Our 3rd pocket book in the KindaProud series aims to do just that. These 17 brave Peers have spoken out about their personal experiences in order to make the topic more openly spoken about rather than something that has to be avoided – may their voices reach those who need to hear their messages, may their light brighten up the darkness in the lives of many… Front-Back-Book-Mockup

CLICK HERE TO READ THE #Emerging Proud through Suicide Press Release

CLICK HERE TO ORDER YOUR COPY 

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Ana is KindaProud that she has used her life challenges to nurture her soul

It’s a well-known teaching within NLP type life coaching that we get more of what we focus on, and Ana has found this to be true through teaching herself to focus on the blessings of her life, rather than her painful past. Despite having experienced violence and sexual abuse, Ana has emerged as a courageous and compassionate lover of life…

Ana logo

I grew up in post-communist Romania. Looking back it feels like I grew up with my feet in two different worlds. One foot firm in a past and an eternal present, and one in this world of the “future” that had suddenly taken over our lives. One foot in the beauty of our home, our garden, my books, the love of my parents, the astonishing nature around me, the fantasy and charm of my culture with it’s fragrant fairy tales, myths and legends. The other in a world of chaos and uncertainty, of parents struggling to make ends meet, of fights and crisis, anxiety and overwhelm with the hardships of life.

I rarely refer to the dark times of my life as “abuse” or “trauma”. Most times I call them challenges, just as my parents and their parents before them chose to call them. As I am writing these words, I am experiencing a deep sense of peace, gratitude and appreciation for these challenges and the way I learned to deal with them, as they have shaped the person I am today. Wise, loving, courageous and resilient. And most of all, deeply in love with life and the world around me.

And I sit here and wonder I how should write this story so that what you take from it are not the images of pain from my past but rather an understanding of the feeling of love and empowerment that these happenings conjured in me.

This story is a long one, my dears. A story long as time itself I sometimes feel. This I understood from a tender age: the long chain of pain. What I kept understanding after every beating or tirade of curse words thrown at me, was that as bad as I was having it, my mother, father and those before them had had it worse. Much, much worse. But always diminishing from generation to generation. As I write these words I am so incredibly happy to say that my family’s chain of pain ends here.

You couldn’t go easy on children in those days. It was their whole survival at stake. Mine and my family’s challenges taught me how to take a blow. And man, did it serve me well when life struck them at me.

The best way to take a blow is to soften. Soften in the body and soften in the heart. Let them absorb and neutralise the shock. My mother taught me that. No matter how aggressive she was towards me, I could never bring myself to harden towards her. And when I did, I was in deeper pain than when I didn’t. I could never bring myself to hate her. In fact, I only loved her more.

Being angry with her just didn’t make sense after all. Why would I harbour all those feelings when I could see plainly that she loved me more than life itself but that she was lost and in pain. When I could see so clearly that that the blows and hurtful words did not come from her, but rather from what a painful, traumatic past had programmed in her. How could I be upset with her when she’d come to apologise and explain what she was going through and how scared she was that if I did not succeed in life I would be condemned to a similar life of uncertainty and hardship?

I could not be upset with her when what I was actually feeling was awe. My mother and my family have been through some seriously tough times. Growing up they would all share with me stories of their childhood and later life. And I would ask to hear them again and again. I could not, and still cannot get enough of them. And I look at my parents, as I looked at my grandparents and I cannot help but wonder: “How can you be so full of joy and love of life? How can you laugh so hard at your own stories? How are you not crushed by all this hardship? How are you still so in love with the beauty of life and all that is around you?”

My family and especially my mother did not go easy on me, it’s true. But by god did they shower me in their love. They worked themselves almost to death for my delicious food and brand new clothes that they never had, for our bountiful Christmas, with bags of presents under a tree each year, that they paid for in bloody sweat. We would dance and laugh and sing together, we would climb hills and have adventures in wild forests. And they taught me how to love life, music and nature and all the beauty around with a fierce passion…

…So when the blows came, you see, I had no choice but to soften. Soften and learn. Soften and surrender to love and understanding. Anything else only meant invoking more unnecessary pain.

And when that sexual abuse came my way in my 16th year, I knew how to take the hit. I instinctively softened my heart and cushioned the blow. As I was watching that man, almost 3 times my age, I could see how lost he was inside and understood how much unacknowledged pain he was harbouring. Not to justify or excuse his actions. But to have the full picture of how we both got there.

Circumstances had it that I was travelling to a different country at the time, without my parents. When I went back home and I told my mother about it, she gave me another gift that I will always cherish: When I asked her, Mum, do you think I should see a counsellor now, she looked me deep in the eyes and said: Ana, my love. If YOU think you need counselling you only need to say the word and we’ll find you the best one around. But I know how strong you are and I know you can so easily recover from this. If you need mine or anyone else’s help I am here for you ready to jump in and help. But see how YOU can heal YOURSELF first. Everything that you need you already have within yourself.

What an amazing gift! It might seem strange to western standards. Outrageous even, that I did not receive counselling but was left to sort out my feelings by myself. But what my mother told me that day is the single most empowering thing anyone has ever told me in my life. And oh, yes, I healed. And in the process I grew strong and wise. I learned how to land on my own two feet and forge my own path in life. But most importantly, I learned how to love unconditionally.

As I am writing these words I can tell you this: My life is not easy. Nor would I want it to be. But not a day goes by without my heart leaping with joy at the sight of this majestic dance of light and shadows that we call life.

Every day I could choose to wear my hardships as a cape, show it to the world and watch it in the mirror, using it to shield me from love and fun and laughter, from trust in myself and my fellow humans.

I choose instead to do what my family taught me. I choose to dance my life with passion, joy, happiness and gratitude and most of all, I choose to love.

Ana’s Bio:

I was born in Romania 4 years before the fall of communism. Living there up I was deeply fascinated with my country, my people and our culture and was deeply frustrated seeing how the ravages that communism left behind, the corruption and poverty were rapidly destroying our land and our people. Ancient forests decimated, ancestral customs forgotten, a rich and vibrant culture left to disintegrate.

All of this inspired me to start traveling in a quest to learn about different ways of life and heal myself so that I can go back and start projects that will help heal my country.

Arriving in the UK and inspired by the values I grew up with, I began to teach green cleaning and to offer environmentally friendly cleaning services. I am convinced that if we learn how to care for our homes with respect, awareness and gratitude, we will naturally be inspired to care for and heal the environment.

However, my biggest breakthrough along the way was developing The Psychedelic Food Journey, a nutritional therapy meant to heal our connection with food by the practice of embodied eating. Through this Journey we learn how to connect to our bodies on a deeper, cellular level and appreciate food in the way we are truly meant to. We learn to eat from gratitude and inspiration and in the process we not only nurture our bodies, but also our souls.

Find out more about what Ana does now at: ana-dreams.com 

Thank you Ana for shining your beautiful light in the world ❤

We will soon be gathering stories for our 5th (yes 5th!!) KindaProud book;

#Emerging Proud through Psychosis and Schizophrenia

Have you received one of these disempowering labels but choose not to live by it?

Please CONTACT US HERE  if you are interested in sharing your story with us.

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Peter from Norwich now looks back at his breakdown as the point at which he found his strength and re-claimed his soul.

Existential crises can be catalysed by so many different issues; sometimes the cracks already there caused by earlier traumas in our lives cannot hold and something pushes us over the edge… a lot of the time those edges can lead to us having no option but to make changes for the better – to find meaning in the darkness.

When feeling ‘consumed by despair’, Peter re-claimed his soul and made a decision to start giving gratitude for what was positive in his life. He realised that after having spent years being numb to emotion due to working within the heartless capitalist system, having feelings was actually completely normal.

Now, not only having emerged proud from his depression, Peter is advocating for social and environmental justice within accountancy and runs an ethical company based on that with the priorities being for the prosperity of people and the planet. We couldn’t wish for a more aligned accountant for #Emerging Proud Press, and yes, Peter is good ‘weird’ and we wouldn’t have it any other way! 

Peter E

 

In September 2008, the crisis in capitalism took hold and continues today, with unfettered greed destroying our ecology and society. On the same day that Lehman’s crashed I went to the doctor and told him that I couldn’t cope anymore. I had been working as a Financial Director in a Telecommunications company. I’d worked very hard for many years and at 50, and on the death of my Dad, I started questioning the meaning of life. Making money for company shareholders and earning a large salary had taken away my soul and rendered me empty. 

 

I never went back to work. As the stock exchanges around the world fell, so did I. By April 2009, I was in total meltdown. I was suffering from anxiety attacks and was very depressed. All I could see was destruction, factory farming, uncaring people, homeless people, a world falling apart. I could not see any positive things, so I hid at home, not daring to venture out of my house. 

 

Despite being out of control, depressed and unable to cope with being alone, I had decided that going to a psychiatric ward was not in my best interests. I knew that I was a risk to myself. But the experience of my older brother taking his life by suicide in 1980, whilst he was in care, lead me to believe that full-on professional help was not for me. I was lucky to convince everyone that I was well enough to function in society. It was not true, but I clung onto life, frightened to leave my home.

 

The depression continued. I took anti-depression drugs and went to talking therapies, I cried continually, and I couldn’t see a way forward. Thankfully, my wife stuck it out. I was in a living hell and could not see a way out. I think that possibly the one thing that kept me alive was the impact my brother’s suicide had on my family and me. My mother never recovered and was clinically depressed until she died. The tragedy of losing him always haunts me, and I refused to do this to those around me. Without the lesson of his loss, I may have followed him. Thankfully, the agony caused by his suicide on my family is lodged in my heart. Despite my living hell, killing myself was not an option. 

 

I remember one day in September 2009 a year after the initial breakdown, when despair consumed me. The experience of starting the new university degree was not as I expected, and I stared into a dark pit of despair. I sat there thinking that it was time to give up, to end it all. Continuing life with constant depression seemed pointless and ending it all seemed a serious option. I remember crying for the loss of not seeing my adolescent children grow into adults. I realised that being able to live to be with them as they grew up was worth the struggle. I decided to fight the depression, to take responsibility for my future and to make it the best one possible for myself and everyone around me. I think, at this point, I found my soul again, I realised that no matter how hard, there were things in my life that made it worth living. I started my journal, writing down three things that I was thankful for each day, a practice I continue ten years on.  

 

I found that the main thing that took me out of a depressed state was activity. So I gradually learnt to fill my time. In the early stages, I dragged myself to watercolour painting classes. As soon as the classes were over, I would rush home to safety. It was through activity and appreciation that I gradually claimed my sanity back. The big breakthrough seemed to come when I got fully engrossed in an MSc in Economics at the UEA (University of East Anglia, UK). Here I was able to fill my time reading, writing and doing maths. Gradually, as time moved by I started to move away from the depression. Slowly, day by day, I got better. Slowly the dial stuck on – DEPRESSION, moved slowly upwards so that it pointed at – FUNCTIONING BUT DEPRESSED, then to – DEPRESSED AND OCCASIONALLY SMILING. Now it often points at – OLD, WEIRD AND FUNNY.  

 

I gradually learnt that having ups and downs were normal. Depression comes and can go as quickly as it came. But importantly, having these feelings are better than having no soul, working for a corporate mega entity that puts shareholder profits above society and our planet. 

 

To my surprise, I found that people couldn’t see inside my head and to others I was ‘normal’. I never was and never will be, but that’s a secret that I keep to myself. I completed the MSc in 2011 and received a distinction. In September 2011, I got a part-time post Lecturing Accounting in a business school. Being busy seemed to be the answer, and so I started an Accountancy Practice. I’m a good accountant, and so I decided to use this skill to help as many people as possible. Also, I am now in the final stages of completing a doctorate in education, where I am arguing for changes to the accounting curriculum to incorporate social and environmental justice.  

 

Ten years on from the crash, I now lecture on several undergraduate and postgraduate courses. It is a privilege to work with young people and people going through the changes that education brings. Outside of the part-time role at university, I run an accountancy practice with a team of young trainee accountants. We are focusing on building a team that cares about what we do helping charities, not-for-profit organisations and people who are proud of what they do. To do this, we have a mix of for-profit and non-profit clients. Emerging Proud press is a typical non-profit client. We share the money that we make fairly across the team and our clients (in reduced pricing for those that need it). We aim to give a genuinely caring service and to help people realise their dreams. I am very proud of what we do and would never have got here without the breakdown. Despite the pain, I was so fortunate and was able to breakthrough. 

 

My doctorate focuses on environmental and social justice in education. I feel my life has a purpose, and I am lucky to be able to fulfil it. I look back on my breakdown as the point where I found my strength. I accept that the world is in crisis and that I should attempt to fill my time with a purpose to improve it locally, nationally and even globally. Without the breakdown, I would never have got to this place. I am so lucky to be alive. Thank-you, thank-you, thank-you to my family (both dead and alive), my wonderful wife, my amazing children, to my friends and to the ecology of the earth to whom I owe everything.

By the way – I still think my moods go up and down with the stock markets, so if you hear that I am depressed, sell all your shares!

 

To find out more about Peter’s ethical accounting company, and his work as Lecturer, go to:

Thank you, thank you, thank you Peter, for being the weird and wonderful you, and for bravely sharing your story for our pocket book #Emerging Proud through Trauma and Abuse… we think your breakdown has made you pretty awesome! ❤
Posted in Uncategorized | 2 Comments

It took Martha recognising the trauma contained in her disempowering experience to find compassion for herself and others

You may remember the fabulous Martha from her interview will Will Hall on Madness Radio a couple of weeks ago. Now Martha #EmergesProud to share her story for our KindaProud series.

Life is complex, messy and so full of paradox – how wise Martha is. Having emerged out of a hugely traumatic ordeal catalysed by taking Ayahuasca, Martha has managed to integrate the trauma so much so that she’s found gratitude within the pain of it all.

Martha says; this life is so utterly sacred; so incomprehensibly full of pain, magic and mystery; that when you realise this all at once, it’s okay – maybe even understandable – to go ‘mad’ for a while.

We couldn’t agree more Martha…

Martha logo

My journey of emerging proud through trauma, begins from recognising what happened to me as a trauma– not as something that I must have deserved, because nobody around me was questioning it.

I was in Colombia where I had been living and working and had gone on a retreat to do Ayahuasca, a hallucinogenic plant medicine native to Latin America. I had a strong reaction to the medicine, that I now feel is connected to the strong and ultimately misguided intention I went in with, which was one of wanting to dissolve my ego completely.

I got what I asked for in that I did temporarily experience many expanded, ego-less, joyous and profound states; but I inevitably became caught, overwhelmed and confused by them and so journeyed unwittingly into the ‘mad’ realms where it felt as if my internal world had been turned inside out and life was just my imagination.

My state became one of high excitement and disruptive playfulness, as Universal Oneness was seen to be a reality. Whilst I felt that nothing really mattered anymore, I saw at the same time how every movement and action had profound meaning. It felt like life was simply a work of art and we were all artists; dancing together as an expression of beauty, paradox and truth amidst the routines of daily life.

This was my internal process…on the outside, I expect it looked like I had just really lost the plot. I didn’t try to hurt anybody, but when a group of men began to restrain me, you can bet I fought back. There were too many of them though, and eventually I found myself on the ground lying on my front with my hands tied to my feet behind my back, as other retreatants ate their dinner and chatted at a nearby table.

I found myself in this position several times – hands bound to feet, face pressed uncomfortably into the ground – often for just having too much energy and not being able to sleep. I remember lying there quietly and feeling pain in my body from the time spent in this distorted position. At one point, the shaman’s sister put a blanket over my whole body, to cover me from view. When this happened, I disassociated and saw myself from above. I remember thinking that perhaps I had died. I couldn’t think of any other reason why I would have been covered and so the belief I was dead continued for the rest of the retreat.

I felt how strange this was, that here I was tied up on the ground, contorted and alone, while others around me didn’t seem to care or even notice. But my state of consciousness was so expanded that I had no self-pity or sense of injustice, just a bemused acceptance.

When the shaman insisted I remove my bikini top for a tabaco cleansing, I asked if I could keep it on. I didn’t want to be topless. My arms were held outstretched by two assistants and other retreatants were pottering about around me. He said no, and I took it off obediently. I felt the lack of consent and dignity in this, but accepted his word, like everyone else.

After the retreat, when I found myself locked in a shed outside his house, where a few remaining retreatants were staying, and realised the bowl on the floor was for me to go to the toilet in, I felt a private sense of humiliation – but with no other option, simply accepted it.

It didn’t seem to occur to the shaman or the facilitators during the retreat that I was sensitive to the ayahuasca and so perhaps shouldn’t be drinking as much as other people. Perhaps they trusted that the medicine would do its work, but without any form of communication or therapeutic connection – I feel this was an irresponsible way of doing things.

It wasn’t until I had a further breakdown in the UK, induced again by psychedelics, that I was able to access psychological therapy for my trauma. It took months for me to understand that I should not have been treated the way I was in Colombia. The psychologist had to work hard to make me believe that just because I was in an altered state, being tied up for hours at a time and locked in a shed with no toilet was unacceptable. She told me the fact I was in a vulnerable state did not mean that I deserved this, it in fact made it worse.

What I understand now is that the reason it took such intense psychological therapy for me to accept my experiences as trauma was because at the time, all around me there were other people, none of whom ever questioned the power dynamics of what was happening. This made me feel invisible and worthless – like a disgraced child and left me with feelings of being deeply unsafe in groups.

Yet, despite everything I am grateful for my journey with ayahuasca. When I think back to the person I was before all of this happened and compare her with who I am now, I am unequivocally kinder, less judgemental of others and more flexible in my thinking. It’s also true that so much of what I experienced and discovered in those initial highs has been confirmed by five years of much steadier inquiry in the form of zen meditation: That this life is so utterly sacred; so incomprehensibly full of pain, magic and mystery; that when you realise this all at once, it’s okay – maybe even understandable – to go ‘mad’ for a while.

The reason I’m telling my story now is because I never thought I could. Its only through platforms such as Emerging Proud that stories such as mine – that tread the less clear path between light and dark – can be fully held and heard. I hope that the conversation around Ayahuasca can expand to encompass the paradox, pain and learning that my narrative offers. I have no blame for the shamans, facilitators or other retreatants. While I was hurt, traumatised and humiliated by what happened, I don’t feel it was intentional. Through my altered state I may have hurt, humiliated or traumatised some of them in some way, without knowing or meaning to.

What I need most right now, as I share my painful, messy, complex human story is forgiveness and compassion – for myself and everyone around me. I think the whole world could use a little more of this too, as more and more of us are called to step forward, bravely owning our actions, bearing our hearts and speaking our truth.

Martha now works within the NHS as a mental health worker, and is doing a masters degree in transpersonal psychology, spirituality and consciousness studies. She’s also the co-director of an interdisciplinary think tank for psychosis research in Bristol. Martha has a keen interest in and love for Zen Buddhism and depth astrology.

Martha now sees her experiences as a Hero(ine)’s journey….providing integration, learning, making sense of her life, validation and most importantly, connection.

If you’d like to discuss these issues in relation to how they can be better addressed and supported within the Mental Health system, sign up for our event in London in Jan:

CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The American Centre for the Integration of Spiritually Transformative Experiences (ACISTE) conference – coming soon!

ACISTE is on a mission! Every year thousands of people have life-changing spiritual experiences that often radically alter their values, worldview, career choices, and relationships. Yet very few helping professionals are aware of the latest research, common responses, and unique needs of these “spiritual experiencers.” ACISTE trains and certifies mental health professionals, life coaches, and spiritual guidance counselors to work sensitively, effectively, and collaboratively with those in the process of integrating a variety of spiritually transformative experiences. Get certified this year at our annual conference, November 14-17, 2019, in Atlanta. [Learn more and Register]

ACISTE2019_C

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment