Jamal’s psychotic break led him to allow in love and live without his ‘armour’

“The crack is where the light enters you” Rumi

It was as if Jamal’s soul was speaking to him through his profound poem before his ‘psychotic break’; preparing him with the knowledge that letting down his armour was actually enabling him to recognise the pure light he truly is at his core…

In 2017 during my last year and last term at university studying film production, I experienced a mental health crisis. I think it was triggered by the stress of uni, the death of my estranged father at the beginning of that year, and smoking skunk more to cope with all that. There begun my road to recovery and coming to terms with this road I have found myself on. Sadly I had a psychotic episode again early last year, and I am coming back from that also. Now I am on medication and I am having therapy. I am stable and am trying to get online the psycho-social side of my recovery and life in general, which is a challenge because I can still feel unsafe outside the house; the much reduces voices makes me fear leaving the house when I do not really need to. But I will continue to try and create a new life that brings together all that I am and have yet to discover myself to be as I go on in my life.

The poem below, Dear Shadow of Mine, I wrote just before my first psychosis episode in the last year and term of university.

P.s. I passed my degree with a 2/1 and was able to even attend my graduation.

Dear Shadow of mine,

Nobody’s known of your facade

aside from me,

not until recently at least.

The chinks in your armour

look so accustomed to.

So much so that you’ve

forgotten who you are.

So much so that you’ve

forgotten you’re wearing armour,

and grew accustomed to a need

to defend your heart.

Dear Shadow of mine,

your light shines bright,

brighter than you

ever could have believed.

Just look at those around you

who yearn for your strength;

the chinks in your armour

have only been showing

your true colours.

I understand you’re afraid

of being yourself,

you put the armour on before

you could remember.

And this love that you deserve

may seem overwhelming, but

it’s all the love in the World

that you deserve.

You know this love all too well,

With the smile of an angel

and the eyes of God herself.

Born and cradled by the vessel

that could overcome,

given nourishment by

the mind that could overpower

and the heart that could

Over pour with love.

My dear Shadow,

you’re so much more than

just yourself, you are light,

you are love.

Fact of the matter is, your armour

deserves to rest, it’s been

over-worn and over-distressed.

This light of yours deserves

To Shine,

around the world and across

realities, multiple times.

Embrace the love

you’ve been blessed with,

and protect it with all your heart.

Dear Shadow of mine,

can you finally see,

that you have been Light,

from the start.

Jamal Dijon James May 2017