Mari from Scotland had to travel to her Soul home in India to find validation and peace within for her experiences which have been dismissed and labelled as ‘Schizophrenia’ by the Western mental health system. She now longs for a time when love will save the day and she’s able to complete her healing journey and bring her gifts forth to help others on the same path…
Here Mari explains the reasons behind what she sees as her blessed spiritual awakening;
It was March 17th, St Patricks day 2001 at the time of the foot and mouth virus my desperate attempt to take my own life was captured in my life history for ever. It was then that I was first diagnosed. I had survived the fire that I had attempted to kill myself with and for the next 18 years I have been fighting to survive against the fire of the psychiatric system and oh how it can hurt.
Before I came around from the unconscious effects of an overdose and the smoke damage, I was labelled schizophrenic, my worst nightmare. Nobody had talked to me to ask me how I felt or what was going on in my life before I made that tragic decision to end it all. If they had they would have found out how desperate, alone, isolated, lost, confused I felt. My broken heart drove me to find the will to strike a match, gather a few pieces of kindling, take it to my bedroom and build a fire in my bed and wait for my transition to another place away from the painful suffering I was going through.
My early childhood is a history of growing up in a dysfunctional family unit with isolation, neglect and sadness as the overpowering emotion. It was a traumatic time and none of my family emerged from that period without consequences of the roles we got cast in to. I was black sheep and outcasted from the unit. When I look back at childhood, I have almost non-existent memories of happiness (apart from my horse), I only knew isolation a pain from those that were supposed to be my caretakers and support system, what a lie………..
The lie continued into adulthood and black sheep role was never lost. After the fire I was now diagnosed and it was another brick in the lie of mental illness that I had grown up in, except now it was me that was labelled mentally ill and oh how that fitted the family dynamic. How that diagnosis has brought even more suffering. The family had a reason to say that there was something wrong with me and how they treated me was hidden in a veil of darkness, deceit, the lie. They were just ignorant, and our family was the victim of a time and place where scarcity and competition were rife and there wasn’t enough love to go around.
The kind of suffering I grew up in does something to a soul and maybe it does affect brain chemistry who knows? Trauma plays a huge role in mental illness and the link between spirituality and suffering is a link that fascinates me. I know I am not ill, and I am not mentally sick I just grew up in a traumatic family dynamic and I suffered. That suffering at the time of the fire was the result of being outcast from my family at a time when we were supposed to support each other and it broke my heart that I was the only one sitting in a cold, damp cottage on my own.
My energy field has changed because of my suffering and I believe it changes how it is attached in this matrix or cosmic field of infinity to source in a way that is different from the average. “Blessed are those that suffer” said lord Jesus and I believe my suffering has projected me deeper into this divine matrix that we are all part off. My road map within this cosmic field can sometimes go astray and at times it does get a little crazy where my environment turns upside down. Unfortunately at this time my family always get involved, they are connected to source in a crazy way just like me and I see how they change as my spiritual energy changes and they do not like it and it normally results in me getting the short straw of being taken away and locked up in the psychiatric hospital. This has been one of my highest sufferings, one of my memories of most extreme pain and darkness. To be locked away and pinned to the ground and injected is still a nightmare I re-live in my head and fear the next time they come to drag me off. Is this what our helping profession should be? At a time when one is going through such a sensitive process to be treated the way we are is a disgrace to our British medical system. They do not have the answers on Psychosis and what one is going through and until they understand the concept of spiritual emergency/ spiritual awakening/ spiritual crisis, fear of their system will always be at the back of my mind.
So, I was diagnosed as a schizophrenic originally, my label, oh that damaging label…….. then became schizo-affective and now the abusers think they might have me in the bi-polar category. What a load of Bull sh**. Thanks be to God I found the strength not to believe their speculative, shallow opinion. They don’t have a clue of what they are dealing with a how deep the psychological/spiritual experience of awakening is. There is always a load of spiritual or religious rant around my “psychosis” or what I see as my spiritual crisis /my spiritual emergency and I believe psychosis should be re-phrased as the first phase of this spiritual crisis and should be handled so much differently than how it is presently. I believe there should be no injections and for the souls like myself that have no supportive family or friends that are available unconditionally then the psychiatric system could step in but the grace of god I pray one day they will just provide a space where time can happen naturally and the transition through the erratic energy field can be allowed to happen as it should and as a result healing can take place. it is an individual transition and attachment to source that is unique for each person and should be respected and treated as individual experience, a unique journey ……
Although I am still held hostage by the system and cannot move away because my children love their school and friends, I believe I will get out of this system and be allowed to know my own truth, that of my crazy energy field ……… that of my dharma. I believe the dots will join up and sense will come of my torturous past of psychiatric and family bullying. I have faith in a family that I have never seen but often felt, probably created as a survival, coping strategy and they are in the invisible field. It starts with lord Shiva and divine mother Shakti, Kali ma, at the head and it is full of gentlemen like sri Ram and lord Krishna. The sisters of Durga, Saraswathi and Lakmi all play nice and oh what a beautiful environment to live in. The divine son, my Guru is lord Jesus and I believe with time, love will emerge out of this darkness and my invisible family will aid in the collective consciousness of this evolving climate of this cosmic field. I maybe should not mention my invisible family or religious characters as that’s got me into a lot of trouble with the system before!! have a harness belief and faith in the quantum balls of love energy that exist like stars in this divine matrix of energy and consciousness, in eastern terms Shiva and Shakti, yin and yang………. I believe my physical family can heal from the ignorance of our past and sick, toxic roles we were subjected to, and love can reframe the way forward. It might happen in this lifetime that I am free from this abuse from the psychiatric system and the lie of deceit that is my history, or I might have to wait for another lifetime, it is out of my control. I believe in the evolutionary change and I believe one day the collective consciousness will wake up to spiritual side of mental illness and view psychosis and schizophrenia as spiritual awakening, a spiritual crisis that is the first step to huge a transformation process that can lead to so much growth for the individual if the system would just accept we are not of the broken brain or chemically imbalanced but evolving and as the buddha said ” suffering is an integral part of life” and when we are allowed to emerge out we grow, and look where the buddha grew to.
I found peace and a contented life in India, which has become the land of my heart and culture, the religion, the lifestyle healed so much pain that was stored from my trauma, anxiety fuelled past. The day will surely come when that peace I have known is allowed to exist in my own land, so I finish with my prayer to the divine in all. Bring on the evolutionary wake up where those that have been labelled ill are viewed no longer as throw away, broken, useless to society but seen through their spiritual component and have meaning inside there madness and therefore have a place. There normally is a reason even if it is just a change in the cosmic field, like an earthquake in our physical world. Although that reason whether we look to the past or the present we can never physically know or identify the spiritual component to the madness or upheaval, understanding the individual gives light on the symptoms of mental illness. I believe in the light and I believe in love and I have faith in my invisible family …………… I will emerge proud and always know I am not sick or ill but on a spiritual journey through suffering, a path of darkness and light, a path of dharma……………. a path of truth and true meaning. Love will heal all if we can only get our real doctors to come forward and remind the present model of healing that love can never be put in an injection or a pill…………………….. I still believe.
In order to express her silenced voice, Mari channels her wisdom into poetry, and here is her hugely powerful message; ‘My Divine’ ❤
Do you have a story of #EmergingProud through Psychosis or Schizophrenia? Have you been labelled but believe it to be part of a deeply meaningful transformation journey?
We’re now collecting stories for our 5th KindaProud Pocket Book of Hope;
#Emerging Proud through Psychosis and Schizophrenia