Reframing Mental distress as a potential catalyst for positive change

It’s hearing real life raw personal stories that can create change in someone’s life; KindaProud Pocket Books of Hope and Transformation aim to create a positive domino effect, where more and more people like Serena can stand tall and speak out in order to give their Peers permission to do the same. Thank you for your bravery and inspiration Serena, we’re very proud to have you appear in Amy’s KindaProud book; # Emerging Proud through disordered eating, body image and low-self-esteem…

Stepping Out of the Shower into my New Life

I planned to start writing this like all good stories begin – from the start – however I feel the need to lay down bare the impact that my journey of starving and exercise addiction had on me in first instance.

On a sunny day in the late Summer of 2008 I desperately needed a shower as had just been for a 5 mile run in the midday heat, after spending 2 hours on my exercise bike, and having not eaten in 3 days.  My last meal had been my standard hand full of Cheerios and quarter of a tin of tuna, and it was safe to say that my body was exhausted.

As I ran the shower I undressed in front of my full-length mirror, and as I did I felt that feeling of absolute disgust; to the extreme that I had to look away after a few minutes to stop me from bursting into tears.

I climbed into the floor-ceiling shower cubicle, and began to wash my hair, tepid water bouncing off my overheated skin.  As I worked my way down, washing my neck, chest and stomach, my hands knocked into each protruding bone, and glided over muscles that ached from being unallowed to rest.

What happened next caused an absolute 360 degrees turn-around in my life.

As I woke with confusion and blurred vision, I realised that I was immersed in warm water and I could taste soap in my mouth.  The air was close and moist, and I was struggling to breathe from the heavy steam that was laying on my chest.

With my body feeling weak, I managed to use my slender arms to prop myself up against the white tiled wall, so I was slumped over like a tired rag doll.  I used one hand and foot to pull the glass door of the cubicle back and let out a sigh of relief while taking a huge breath of cool fresh air, reminding myself that I was lucky to be alive.

I had passed out, and nearly drowned in a few inches of water.  The realisation of the stupidity of my actions which had caused this incident to happen, made me feel like I was ungrateful and undervaluing of my life and everything and one in it.

I had always been so sensible and in control, so since when did I become so irresponsible?

Rewinding a year, I was fortunate enough to be invited on a university trip to Delhi in India.  With a keen interest in business operations and processes, this trip gave me the opportunity to see first-hand how India’s Financial Institutions operated and also explore the incredible and insightful culture that the country offered.

But, not only did the trip impact on me from an educational and cultural perspective, but it also had a detrimental impact on my health and wellbeing and turned my world completely upside down.

Before the trip, I had begun to enjoy visiting the gym a few times and week and enjoyed a varied and healthy diet.  I was always busy – with uni work, seminars, lectures, 3 jobs and a house to run – so keeping my weight down at that time came quite naturally and with little effort, apart from some gym and swim sessions, which I used as my alone and thinking time, to get away from the chaos of life.

After the trip, my life was a different story.  As well as bringing home memories of an impactful experience, myself and many of my class mates also brought home ‘Delhi Belly’ (which is a severe stomach bug that sticks around for a long time!)

Due to this I couldn’t keep any food or drink down for a good month after, and following the end of the severe sickness and diarrhoea, and the excruciating painful stomach cramps (which kept me up most nights, taking away the sleep I desperately craved to regain energy to keep up with my busy lifestyle) I was unable to eat a diet of anything other than dried toast, cereal, tuna and crackers, which soon became boring and difficult to swallow, let alone stomach!

So, I started to want to eat less and less, and my previous love and enjoyment of food was now non-existent.  At first limiting my food intake and what I ate was a necessary to prevent the dreaded ‘Delhi Belly’ from flaring up, however it soon slipped into becoming an obsession, and even on to being a challenge, where I would see how many days I could go without giving in to the hunger pains.

Within 6 months I could manage about 3 days without eating any food and only consuming water, and for this I praised myself when seeing the weight drop off, going from a large size 12 to small size 10 in this short time.

Even though this was the case, I had the urge that I needed to do more.  So, at that point, instead of my usual 2 1-hour gym visits per week, this rapidly increased to 5-6 2-3 hour sessions, and 4-5 1 hour swim sessions per week – plus daily runs twice a day and lengthy rides on my exercise bike whenever I was at home.

To put it simply, many areas of my life were sacrificed for exercise.  Time with my family and friends, meal times, housework and even some work days (where I could get away with it) would become replaced by some sort of physical exercise.

My brain was consumed with thoughts of food and exercise, and nothing else got a look in.  My work suffered, my education suffered, my sleep suffered, and I was so exhausted that my concentration slipped and all I could focus on was the negative feelings I had about my body.

When I started on my journey with anorexia and exercise addiction I enjoyed losing weight, and I loved the way I felt in my new slimmer body.  But over time every time I saw myself in a mirror all I could see was how large I looked, and I absolutely hated myself.  And as I got skinnier the self-hate just grew and grew, to the point that I couldn’t even face looking at myself anymore, that I had to undress in the dark, or wear the baggiest clothes I owned so I didn’t have to look down and see my atrocious body.

Another 6 months had passed, and I was now in small size 8 clothes, and weighed just over 7 stone (which was a total loss of around 5 and a half stone since my India visit).

Fast forwarding again to stepping out of that shower cubicle, I emerged a new woman.  Still shaking from shock and shivering from the cold bathroom air, I stood staring at myself in the mirror and just sobbed, for hours.

My world stopped at that moment.  Time stood still.  My unrealistic view on my body lifted.  And I just saw a scrawny, pale, skeleton staring back at me.  My face was drawn, and my eyes we sunken, red, blood shot, with dark circles, as tears rolled and rolled continuously down my cheeks.

People say that when you come close to death you experience feelings of gratitude and thanks for your life, and I certainly did.  These feelings were enough to pull me out of the pit of my illness and, once I admitted it to my family, they supported me to gradually eat healthily and exercise safely to become stronger and of more stable state of mind.

When I look back, the struggle to get better was harder than the challenge of starving, and the intenseness of excessive exercise.  Therefore, when people criticise someone for having an eating disorder and just say ‘eat more’ this is certainly easier said than done.  Eating disorders are both mental and physical illnesses that take work, support and time to heal.

And now I end the story, in 2018.  Ten years on I am a size 14-16, after having 2 incredible children.  I eat well and healthily, and enjoy playing with the children and walking my dog, in between rushing about in my (still) busy lifestyle.

Even though I am larger than I have been before, I am proud of my body – all the rolls, scars, stretch marks, cellulite, spots and redness make up me and stand for the huge challenges I have faced in my 30 years of life.  

Pregnancy, child birth, family celebrations, romantic meals, exciting holidays and fun days out have all shaped who I am today, and my eating disorder and exercise addiction also adds to that, so I am not ashamed of it at all…

…I am proud of overcoming it and becoming a stronger person because of it.

 

Serena Fordham – Author, Speaker, Entrepreneur and Business Owner of Glow Virtual Assistants, For HER, Her Business Brew and Norfolk Mums.

www.for-her.co.uk

We hope that Serena’s transformation story will give HOPE to those who may be struggling ❤

Does this subject resonate with your own experience? 

Would you like to share your story for Amy’s KindaProud book, #EmergingProud through disordered eating, body image and low self-esteem? 

Please contact Amy to find out how by contacting her at: info@soul-shine.org.uk

Kathleen from Mount Gambier, South Australia was inspired by our KindaProud Rep Amy’s story to share her own journey, which will appear in the Pocket Book of Hope: #EmergingProud through disordered eating, body image and low-self-esteem.

We honour and respect Kathleen’s bravery in beating guilt and shame to find her voice and inspire others through her own story…

For 48 years I have carried the SHAME and GUILT for childhood experiences. I have owned & carried the responsibility for what happened to me, wondering why I felt so guilty about so many experiences of abuse in my life, like being born into a home of domestic violence. It’s easy to make the truth all about ‘being provided for’ and acknowledging ‘they did their best with what they knew’.

The TRUTH is, it was traumatic being around the yelling, screaming & hitting that often ended with bruises, blood, breakages, tears and bitterness. Through a child’s eyes it’s terrifying not knowing if she’s going to actually cut his throat with the knife she holds close.

It’s easy to make the truth about a grade 1 teacher just doing her job. The TRUTH is, she was a bully who I was terrified of and I’d wet my pants over daring to ask her if I could go to the toilet, she was mean.

It’s easy to make the truth all about being a liar because I stayed silent for so many years. The TRUTH is, he sexually abused me many times, I was only about 7 or 8. I believed it was my fault and their accusations and denial of the truth cut deeper than the abuse.

It’s easy to make the truth all about it being my fault, my shame that I was only 13 when I gave away my virginity because I didn’t have the courage to walk away. The TRUTH is he conned me and raped me. It’s easy to make the truth about it being all my fault when I fell pregnant at barely 17. The TRUTH is it was my responsibility to tell not only my mother but his aswell & allow him to leave town first so he could get on with his precious life. I believed it was the least I could do as it was my fault, even though he was the one pursuing me all those years.

It’s easy to make the truth all about helping & supporting family because that’s what you do. The TRUTH is they used and abused me for anything they could.

It’s easy to make the truth that I’ve been overweight from a young age because I’m built “just like my grandmother”, or I’m lazy and eat too much like all fat people. The TRUTH is it’s the trauma from all of the above and a tonne more that has set my body up to so beautifully ‘protect’ me from all the abuse, stress and trauma in the only way it knew how. Gain weight and hold on to it for dear life, to keep me safe. The TRUTH is those diets they made me do starting at age twelve, just kept helping me gain even more.

I AM grateful though, oh dearly I am so deeply grateful for everything this has all taught me. I love and treasure the gifts, learning and growth it’s all provided me. Just like how I have fallen in love with me and my body on a whole new depth that is new and nourishing me emotionally, physically, spiritually. Never in my life have I felt safer around food than I do now. Never in my life have I felt safer in this world and in my own skin than I do now. Thirty two years of dieting helped me get so overweight, depressed and hating everything about myself, believing I was the problem. I have learned through these experiences and a passionate search for the solutions, that it wasn’t another diet I needed, it was actually a way to love and accept myself fully and deeply just as I am for who I am and the weight would fall away by itself, just as it is now.

Society shames anyone who dares to speak of sexual abuse, domestic violence, suicide, financial abuse, emotional abuse and this list goes on. It’s the silencing and denial, which rapes us over and over, of the freedom to be who we truly are, speaking freely of our life experiences regardless of what they are.

NOT ANYMORE – Not in my time, not in my life. I will continue to share my truth of how it was for me and the healing I’ve done to come through it. I will NEVER BE SILENCED because others are uncomfortable, that’s what continues to feed the ongoing problem. It’s the silence that allows it to keep happening over and over. I will speak on behalf of others, until they find their voice, their strength and their power. I am not a victim, I am not a survivor, I’ve lived through and from it. It’s not my shame, it’s not my guilt and I will no longer carry it.

I am far from perfect and nor do I strive to be, I have much to keep learning, growing and evolving with, that excites me a lot, and today, right now, my heart is rich and my heart is full and I AM truly FREE to SPEAK MY TRUTH.

Kathleen Donhardt – Light Elephant Coach – Mount Gambier, South Australia

 www.facebook.com/lightelephantcoach

www.instagram.com/lightelephantcoach

passionfulfilledkmd.wordpress.com

linkedin.com/in/kathleen-donhardt-163a7684

Does this subject resonate with your own experience? 

Would you like to share your story for Amy’s KindaProud book, #EmergingProud through disordered eating, body image and low self-esteem? 

Please contact Amy to find out how by contacting her at: info@soul-shine.org.uk

#Emerging Proud through NOTEs (Non-Ordinary Transcendent Experiences)

A NOTE (non-ordinary transcendent experience) is a rare and unfamiliar event that takes us beyond our regular understanding of ourself and the world. The term was coined by the late transpersonal psychologist William Braud as a way of bringing together the three fields of transpersonal psychology, exceptional human experiences, and psychical experiences.

There are hundreds of experiences that fit under the grand NOTEs umbrella, including spiritual awakening, near-death experience, out-of-body experience, peak experience, and any other extraordinary experience that seems to defy the laws of reality as we knew it until that moment. Even falling in love and big dreams can be considered NOTEs as they tend to alter our sense of time, place, and way of being in the world. These experiences are often forever life-altering.

Today, reports of NOTEs are on the rise. This is due to a potent blend of increased access to spiritual development tools and teachings, better life-saving technologies, planetary crises prompting personal crises, growing interest in hacking human potential, a revival in psychedelics, and the ability as a species to share information globally and instantly in ways we’ve never been able to do.

I first came across the term NOTEs whilst researching for my doctoral dissertation. The term drew me in as it captured the vastness of what I understood these experiences to be in a way that was relatively neutral. I also like the metaphor of notes, like poignant music that punctuates important moments in life, or wine that leaves a lingering and subtle aftertaste.

My first NOTE I recall happened when I was a teenager, whilst white-water rafting in New Zealand. It was a glorious day and a friend and I set out on a river full of rapids with two guides. We had such a great time that we decided to do it again and raced back up the mountain so we could re-enter the river. The second time, however, the skies had turned grey, the atmosphere was somehow heavy, and as we got to the largest waterfall (a 10 meter/ 33 foot drop), our raft flipped over and I fell out. I opened my arms to swim but that only pushed me deeper under the gushing waterfall. In an instant, the water around me was black and I didn’t know which way was up or down. I didn’t know where to swim and there was no point trying. I desperately wanted to breathe and after a moment of sheer panic came absolute calm and stillness.

Deep down in the blackness of the water, a brilliant horizon of light opened before me. If you’ve ever seen the movie Ghost, it was a lot like that moment Sam and Molly are reunited. Walking toward me from the horizon of light was my (then living) grandmother and (then deceased) pet dog. As a young teenager I thought this was a bit curious and wondered what they were doing there. It all felt lovely, very peaceful, and so natural.

Then, a strong and clear male voice from behind my shoulder said “Nicole, don’t forget to breathe”. And just like that, the memory returned of the safety briefing we’d received that morning should we fall out of the raft, and I curled up into a ball as taught so that I’d rise to the surface like a cork. It worked, and soon enough the water changed to dark green, then light green, then white, and I surfaced to breathe. I never thought too much of this experience and the impact it may have had until later in my 20s. For now, I was simply relieved to still be alive.

Within the next 6 months, I lost my father and two other family members, all in separate sudden incidences, in countries far away, and without the chance to say goodbye. I later came to call this chapter of my life “initiation through death”. As recognised in shamanic traditions, once having passed through such a gateway, life is never to be the same.

Indeed, this was my rather brutal introduction to That which is beyond ordinary life.

Throughout my 20s, I continued to be drawn to anything related to personal and spiritual growth and development. I read up on and tasted various traditions and wisdom paths in a quest to understand the core of me and what I am to do on this planet. I was thirsty for experiences that satisfied a sense of meaning and purpose. I travelled widely the outer worlds and inner worlds. I was blessed to have many other NOTEs that helped connect and acquaint me with the non-ordinary. Though not always pleasant experiences, I came to better understand the extraordinariness that we as humans can access and the forces we can work with to bring about healing, change, transformation, and creative genius.

As I turned 30 I was to have another life-changing NOTE, one that gave me a direct experience to the eternal core of my being. As they say, be careful what you ask for! It occurred spontaneously (though one could argue that these kinds of things are never really spontaneous, rather, one is ripe for a NOTE to occur). Over 3 days, a fever took over and I experienced movement between ordinary and altered states of consciousness. I had not taken any substances, though I now had over a decade of conscious practice of opening experiences to help me understand and trust what was happening. Although my family requested I go to the hospital for my ongoing high fever, I knew something important was happening and wanted to ride it through, promising to go to the hospital if really need be.

In a nutshell, those three days were like a peeling of an onion, where every single layer was part of my identity. The peeling continued until, towards the end of the three days, there was nothing left but a pinprick of light. I knew in that moment that incy-wincy pinprick was All that I am. Nothing more, nothing less. Everything beyond that, any layer of the onion, was a construction I could co-create in this grand game of life on planet earth. And so it has been since.

There have been other NOTEs since, which is a common experience for NOTErs. Rather than those profound life experiences that happen and fade over time, NOTEs are a special kind that seem to do the opposite. They often snowball over the years. In any case, their sacredness and specialness rarely leaves the experiencer.

And so, today, this is why I am devoted to working wth other NOTErs to make the most of their experiences. We dive deep to understand the experience(s), their wisdom, process whatever needs processing, integrate the pieces that seek resolution in the magnificent wholeness of our being, and then take practical actions toward creating the life that most deeply calls them. I am of the belief that the more we do this, the more our genius naturally shines through, and the more we can each get on with whatever it is we’re here on planet earth to do.

I hold the vision that one day NOTEs will be a term as common as ‘flow’, ‘peak’, or ‘yoga’. That what we today consider extraordinary will be accepted and celebrated as an important capacity of out natural human beingness. Like Maslow once dreamed, I too dream of a time when we hold “classes in miraculousness”. I look forward to the day when care is truly holistic and those who need the services of professionals will be met with specialists of the body, mind, AND spirit. Then, we may truly start to see what we are capable of as a species and properly address the problems we face on this planet.

Dr. Nicole Gruel is passionate about creating spiritual health and life wealth for all. As an author, speaker, samurai descendent, and transformational coach she helps people craft the life they most deeply desire with warrior focus. She has spent over two decades exploring human potential and how ordinary people make the most of extraordinary experiences to become their best as lovers, leaders, and human BEings. Her newest book The Power of NOTEs: how non-ordinary transcendent experiences transform the way we live, love, and lead will be out late 2018.

Find out more about Nicole’s work here:  www.thenotescoach.com

Does this subject resonate with your own experience? 

Would you like to share your story for Nicole’s KindaProud book, #EmergingProud through NOTES? 

Please contact us here to find out how. 

Last week we heard about Mandy’s inspirational journey through trauma and Dissasociative Identity Disorder, and how part of her recovery was due to the love and support of her partner, Ash.

We’re delighted to also have Ash in the KindaProud team as our KindaProud Creative Book Editor 🙂 We felt it essential that everyone involved in this project is a Peer, who understands the aims and ethos of project message due to personal experience. Ash is no exception; he too is an inspiration and passionate about creating change through giving hope to others.

Ash’s personal story will also be included in the #EmergingProud throughTrauma and Abuse book, and he will be supporting the team with the creative design, editing and production of the books.

We couldn’t be prouder and more grateful to have Ash’s expertise; here he gives you a glimpse into why he’s also so passionate to do this work…

At the age of 7 I was groomed and repeatedly abused and raped for a period of 10 months. As a 7 year old from a happy, normal family I had no idea what to make of it except I had a new ‘friend’ and we had secrets. I told no one for 40 years.

We moved away and the abuse stopped. I spent the next 3 years in a state of darkness. I have no recollection of where I lived, who my friends were or what school I went to over that 3 year period. I had successfully blocked out the abuse but my everyday life at the same time.

My parents were hoteliers and this gave me opportunities that most young boys don’t have. One of them was access to alcohol and cigarettes. From 11 I was self medicating with alcohol before, during and after each day at primary school. In a few months I had mastered the art of manipulation and lying. On the surface I was a well behaved boy who never caused a problem for anyone. Underneath I was honing my skills at drinking without detection. My insides were black. All the light I had was taken from me when I was 7. I hated myself and had little time for anyone unless there was something in it for me. I began to steal from my parents. Small amounts of stock from the hotel to begin with which soon escalated into a thriving business. I was the go-to man at school for tobacco and alcohol.

My false persona continued undetected for the following years as did my pattern of behaviour.

At 14 my drinking was still my only true companion although I had 1 or 2 friends from school I would see at the weekend for parties or nights drinking in the local park. It was on one such evening that I returned home in the early hours to find a close friend of my dad’s still drinking in the hotel bar. Everyone else had gone to bed. I sat down next to him and helped him finish the bottle of brandy he’d been working on. That night I was raped for the second time. I told no one except my brother. He had just turned 15. He didn’t know what to do so it remained a secret. The pattern of my life was now set.

Lost in Transit

You pointed me in the direction of growing up

and then let me go

Without a map it was too easy to get lost

I avoided all the hold ups, all the congestion

I gravitated to the shortcuts,

the easy way that offered no challenge or interest

I arrived, empty and with no welcome party

I want to go back

I was desperately unhappy and spent the remainder of my school life drinking. I didn’t study and left with no formal qualifications. College lasted a few months until I dropped out and attempted to try and get a job. I was forever in this pit of despair but was desperate to get out. I remember being very scared. Scared that people would see the real me and my cover would then be blown.

After a few months I found myself entering a business that offered unquestionable loyalty and absolute respect. I remained in this role for 8 years.

My work was not 9-5 and this allowed me to forge a career along side. A career that was normal and non threatening to my friends and family. A career that blended in with the personality I had now created. Very few people knew who I really was. This began the next step in my life of lies, deceit and manipulation.

After 8 years it was time to move on. I had met someone and as the relationship grew it became harder to lead a double life. One year into the relationship my dad died unexpectedly aged 52. This had a big impact on me and my drinking escalated further. We had 2 children and separated a few years later. The children ignited something in me and I made the decision to stop drinking. The love I had for my children made me feel that I could conquer anything. It was the hardest part of my journey but after a few months I became sober. The following year I was diagnosed with bipolar.

The Switch

It’s my switch

2 settings available

Light or dark

I can’t just turn it on or off

It’s on a timer, of sorts

When it’s on I can see everything

It warms me with confidence

It lights the way to creativity

It allows me to see what I am capable of

I feel elation

I feel euphoria

But there is a price

When it’s off my world darkens

I am empty and worthless

I am tired but cannot sleep

I cry and feel despair

I hurt myself

I lose interest in everyday life

I lose interest in life itself

This now helped me understand why I had self harmed for most of my adult life and why I had made a number of attempts at taking my own life. I wasn’t very good at this with one occasion where I jumped off a roof and only managing to sprain my ankle and bloody my nose. The year after I was diagnosed with cancer. Throughout this period it was the love of my children and my new partner, Mandy, that got me through this difficult time. My relationship with Mandy is based on honesty and not being afraid to talk about my feelings. Something I’d never experienced before. It’s this openness and revealing to her my past abuse that allowed me to finally move on.

The cancer was dealt with but has resulted in continued illness that still impacts on my life today. The bipolar is controlled with anti-psychotic drugs and anti-depressants. I’ve been stable and sober for many years now. I know I won’t put myself or my loved ones through the chaos that controlled me for most of my life.

I’m now 47. Loving and accepting love of those close to me has opened up a future that I never thought possible.

Thank you Ash for your bravery in speaking out in order to offer love and hope to others, and for your dedication to the KindaProud mission ❤

Ash now works for the social enterprise network supporting the charity The Missing Kind https://www.missingkind.org/our-network, who are also the sponsors of our KindaProud book series. Ash will be using his experience and knowledge of the issues facing many disadvantaged groups to deliver social impact projects across the network. He will soon be setting up and facilitating a support group for Male Survivors of Abuse at the network’s Missing Sock venue in Cambridge, UK. Anyone local to Cambridge who is interested in joining the group can contact Ash: ash@themissingsock.co.uk 

I had my first ‘official’ episode of mental ‘illness’ in early 2014. I had spent 30+years in the insurance industry, most of which were in busy, highly paid, senior roles. Sometimes things had been stressful, but I felt at this point like my life, relationships and finances were in a good place, so I felt happy enough.

Then, from nowhere, I felt total exhaustion, like I had burned out of energy, so I took a week off work sick. As I started to relax into my week off and empty my mind of daily work issues, I noticed that I was seemingly losing chunks of time from my day. I couldn’t remember what I had been doing, where I had been, or conversations I had had. I took another week off work as this unexplained amnesia was obviously worrying me.

I started to look back over my life to see if I could establish any sort of pattern. Everyone used to joke that I had a terrible memory for recalling events from the past, things that everyone else would see as significant. Like being told by a friend that she’d been raped – it had just disappeared from my mind. The only periods of amnesia I could definitely point to were the times when I was very drunk, where I would have memory blackouts and wonder the next day what I had done the night before.  However, I had given up alcohol the previous year, so it could not be related to that. I recounted events, including those that had not involved alcohol, and found that I had huge chunks of memory missing.

The next things that happened were so distressing that I lost all ability to cope with life on my own without 24 hour support. The blackouts continued, but I started to find out, through evidence of text conversations, or my partner recording me talking, that there was another side to me – an alter personality, in fact two. One I identified as a bolshy but naïve and immature female, who I named Sandy, and the other a protective male, who I named Joe. I developed severe anxiety. I also developed Obsessive Thinking, a form of OCD where imagined thoughts become real. As I saw myself as broken and bad, my imagination ran wild! I saw my mind as driving me mad. I was a complete mess, in tears most of the time, not sleeping other than having terrible nightmares, and at a loss for how to continue with life.

After researching, I believed that I was suffering from Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID). DID is a severe and complex psychological condition caused by childhood trauma.

My Dissociative Friend

When I find I can take no more

my mind opens up a protective door

that I step through to keep me sane

and help me play his vicious game

 

A friend I create to take the pain

takes my place again and again

And though deep down I know it’s me

when she is there I cannot see

or feel, or speak, or cry, or bleed

She is the only friend I need

Without her I know I’d have to die

to escape the man I can’t deny

THE CRITERIA FOR DISSOCIATIVE IDENTITY DISORDER IN THE DSM-5 IS:

1. Two or more distinct identities or personality states are present, each with its own relatively enduring pattern of perceiving, relating to and thinking about the environment and self.

(According to the DSM-5, personality states may be seen as an “experience of possession.” These states “involve(s) marked discontinuity in sense of self and sense of agency, accompanied by related alterations in affect, behaviour, consciousness, memory, perception, cognition, and/or sensory-motor functioning.”

2. Amnesia must occur, defined as gaps in the recall of everyday events, important personal information and/or traumatic events. (The criteria for DID newly recognises that amnesia doesn’t just occur for traumatic events but, rather, everyday events, too.)
3. The person must be distressed by the disorder or have trouble functioning in one or more major life areas because of the disorder.
4. The disturbance is not part of normal cultural or religious practices.
5. The symptoms are not due to the direct physiological effects of a substance (such as blackouts or chaotic behaviour during alcohol intoxication) or a general medical condition (such as complex seizures).

I seemed to be at the worst end of the scale but, as DID is a little known or understood reaction to trauma, I had trouble getting people to believe me, even people in the mental health profession.  I went on long-term sick from work, my partner took compassionate leave, and ultimately had to leave his job, to care for me. It was dangerous for me to be left alone, as I did not know what triggered me switching, or what I did when I was in these alter personalities. I went to my GP. She did not understand. I got referred for 5 different psychiatrist assessments, having to go through my story each time. They diagnosed me with various things, even though my symptoms exactly matched the diagnosis for DID. What I told them was not always believed and this was extremely distressing, making me feel so much worse. At one stage I was even signed off and told there was nothing they could do to help me!  I attempted to get sectioned as I was that desperate, but they did not take me in, as I had not attempted suicide. I felt suicidal but because I was (as one report described me) ‘well-groomed and coherent’, they did not think me bad enough. It takes, on average, 7 years for people to achieve the correct diagnosis when struggling with DID symptoms. In mental health services, what I needed to help me heal, or at least manage my condition, was long-term help from a psychologist but, although this was promised to me after each assessment, it was not forthcoming and months went by.  DID was taking over and destroying my life. I made a complaint to the CEO of the local mental health trust and it was only then, after a year of trying, that I got the help from a psychologist that I needed.

I am a problem-solver. Whilst I was waiting for professional help, I wanted to get to the bottom of what was happening to me. I was desperate to get ‘better’.  I researched and read self-help manuals. I read stories from other people with DID and it helped me to identify with that and realise I was not alone. I got to understand DID inside out and I started to do some of the things that were suggested: to establish contact with my alters, find out what their purpose was and what they represented about me, and to start bringing my fractured mind and personality together. 

In meditation to try and connect, I started to recover childhood, as well as more recent, memories. My childhood had been a difficult one: an alcoholic but loving father who ‘abandoned’ me when I was 5, poverty, an emotionally stunted mother, a psychotic step-father, domestic violence, difficult teenage years, etc. I thought I had dealt successfully with my past by blocking it out and moving on, making something of my life.  My younger sister had always claimed that the step-father we lived with from my age 7 to age 11, sexually abused us. My relationship with her was strained, as I did not believe this, had little sympathy, and felt that she used this as an excuse for what I saw as any failures in life. Whilst I recalled the blackness of that period with him, the fear I felt around his unpredictability in terms of disciplining us and him frequently hurting my mum through violent attacks, plus his odd behaviour when it came to nudity and bathing, I did not recall any sexual abuse. UNTIL THEN.

I started to understand that I had had my alters, Sandy and Joe, since I was a child. My mind had created them to escape the abuse and to protect me from people around me that, at the time, were hurting me very badly (it wasn’t just my step-father who abused me). Sandy took my place for the abuse and Joe was responsible for the angry outbursts I had when I was younger, which had turned into panic attacks in more recent years. Instead of seeing my alters as the problem, I saw them as a gift, but a gift that I needed to help me survive my childhood and one that I could now cope without.

My sister and I had told no-one about this sexual abuse before and she had ended up dealing with things in her own way, sadly isolating from me and our family. However, I was able to corroborate the memories I was now getting with my sister’s own memories of events, so this told me they were real. It also brought us closer together again.

I finally started to get the help I needed through the NHS and I saw a great psychologist for weekly sessions over 9 months. By the time I started to see her (a year after my first symptoms) I had developed a huge insight into my own illness and so our focus was on establishing what triggered my dissociative episodes.  Anxiety around men, particularly men I saw as having some sort of power over me, like bosses at work, or men who were very confident and demanding, and feeling like I was put in a position of having to please a man, was one trigger. This is when Sandy would appear, as she did with my abusers when I was young.  Another was when I felt challenged, threatened or criticised. The time with my step-father had made me into a perfectionist because getting anything wrong or not doing any work well enough would trigger his violent outbursts.  I therefore handled personal criticism very badly. This is when Joe would appear.

I saw through all of this how I had developed into the person my main abuser, my step-father, had wanted me to be. I was emotionally dysfunctional. Nothing I did felt sincere or heartfelt. I had little real passion or compassion. I didn’t see myself as a nice person, although everyone thought I was because I had learned as a child how to please others. I saw clearly for the first time how my time with him, and the abuse I suffered, had created so much of how my life had turned out, including what I chose to do as my job and how I behaved in my relationship with myself, others and the world around me.

Maintaining My Self-worth

It’s important that I please you

important that you see

that I’m a good compliant woman

so that you will deign to like me

It’s important that you notice

my attractiveness and wit

intelligence and maturity

and that I am sexy with it

For without your endorsement

my worth amounts to nowt

I therefore sell my soul to you

so my self-worth can out

I worked with the psychologist, creating scenarios for me to practice in real life, but in a protective environment, gradually increasing exposure to what would normally be the problems that triggered me dissociating and switching. I also had work to do on relationship boundaries and to release suppressed emotion, recognising that it was OK to be vulnerable and to feel and express emotion, that sometimes I would be hurt and that it was OK to admit I couldn’t cope and seek support.

I also continued meditating and re-connecting with my alters and my scary memories, recognising that I was now safe from what I then feared. I convinced my alters (who I came to see as individual spirits sent to help me when I was a child) that there was no need for us to be separate and that it was safe to integrate.  I became stronger and stronger and my problems started to disappear. I have not had a dissociative episode now for 3 years.  I have found myself in stressful or upsetting situations since, but I have learnt how to deal with them.

Despite my employers being very supportive for a long time, I eventually lost my job. During that period, I lost my relationship with my daughter, which I have since thankfully regained.  I lost my house and the financial security I had put such importance in. I lost my sanity for a good while.

I am, however, grateful for this troubled journey. In the process of all of this, I found myself.  With it, I found my emotion, my compassion, my love for those close to me, particularly my partner, Ash, who supported me through my dark times. I found out who my true friends are (not so many but some surprising ones), those who believed what I was saying and stood by me. I have become closer with my sister. I have completely transformed myself as a person and now feel like who I am and how I behave flows naturally from me. I was freed from the confines of the personality that my abuser had created and could finally, at age 48, start to live my life as it should have been.

I wanted to use my experience and new-found knowledge to help others and found that I had a particular compassion for young people suffering from trauma and emotional distress. I networked with others in mental health circles. I found out what gaps existed in local provision and I wanted to put something in place to fill those gaps.  I invested what I had left of my savings and used this opportunity to create a social enterprise to help young people with counselling for emotional distress and, although this could not financially support me, I feel very happy that it has helped many young people cope better with the problems in their lives. I am very hopeful that their course in life will have altered through this intervention and they will not go on to develop worse outcomes, like I did.

I find it difficult to work within any sort of system now, especially in commercial business, because most jobs don’t allow for people to be authentic; after years of not being true to myself, I find it hard to pretend any different.  I have also found it difficult getting a job because of the fear from employers of any person with a mental health history. I am grateful to the Missing Kind charity for employing me when no others would. This has brought me into contact with Katie and the wonderful work she is doing through the #Emerging Proud movement.

Ultimately, I feel as if I have come through so much and this has given me a sense of  the strength and resilience I did not know that I had. I also know that everything that has happened to me has happened for a reason and has made me into the person I am; a person I am much happier being. That I can go forward using my experiences to help others, which is what my aim in life now is. My experience tells me that we can all become who we ought to have always been, that we need to keep going, despite any hardships and struggles to get to that point.

Whilst going through the pain of this process, I also found my passion for writing, which I used as part of my healing and which I hope will be what I do with my longer term future. I have written a lot of poetry, some short stories and have started a novel with my partner Ash. I am in the process of seeking the best way to publish my writing for the least financial outlay (any help or tips most appreciated 😊). I have found a belief in myself and my writing and I hope that what I write will help people going through similar struggles.

I am extremely excited to be supporting Katie with the work involved in putting together the #Emerging Proud Book Series, and for some of my poetry to feature in these books.

And I hope that, by reading my story and finding the right support, other people going through similar, will find the peace they deserve.

 

Does this subject resonate with your own experience? 

Would you like to share your story for Mandy’s KindaProud book, #EmergingProud through Trauma and Abuse? 

Please contact Mandy to find out how by contacting her at: ambrieleve@gmail.com

Amy Woods is KindaProud, and so she should be! She’s emerged through years of self- criticism transformed, to give hope and support to others who are still struggling. We couldn’t be prouder to have Amy as one of our KindaProud Pocket Books of Hope and Transformation Reps! Here’s Amy’s story…

#EmergingProud through disordered eating, body image and low self-esteem

“What if the journey isn’t about becoming anything, what if it’s about UNbecoming everything that isn’t you so you could be who you were meant to be in the first place.”

I remember the feeling well….It was like a black hole of never being satisfied and obsessing about my next mouthful of food. I fantasised about what I would eat next, what I’d get from the shops to devour later and how I would hide it.  The shame, the secrecy, the manipulation of urgently needing to eat so badly! Just eat and eat and eat…

I remember having a meal with some friends and family members when I was about 18, reaching for portion number three when someone shouted: “Amy, stop eating! You’ll get fat if you keep eating” I was completely taken by surprise and to my horror realised that I’d been caught out.  From this place of utter embarrassment I tried to defend myself to deflect the hurt when they responded:  “Well, you’re putting on weight….”

In that moment, the long-tunnel vision, punch in the stomach, red cheek flare of shame washed over my body like a heavy wave of absolute failure.  Something within me cracked open. From this place of shame, embarrassment, humiliation and deep hurt, a door that was holding back so much emotion, flung wide open. I cried all night and 2 days after that. The utter heartbreak I felt was unbearable and tears kept coming, and coming. Until I eventually found some peace. I felt cleansed, light and liberated.  I realised that for so long, for years, I had actually numbed myself of feeling any kind of emotion and had imprisoned myself in a box of self-judgement and self-criticism.  I realised that for a very long time I had been completely rejecting my body, hating it even. Feeling frustrated every time I looked in the mirror and saw my hideous self looking back at me. 

The encounter had completely cracked me open and for the first time in what seemed like forever I felt an aliveness, a peace and a connection to something so much bigger than me.

Around the same time I had started to come across authors such as Marianne Williamson and Eckhart Tolle, where they explained much of what I was feeling and opened my eyes to this “other world” where all beings are connected in the source or the Oneness.

This was the beginning of a long journey of UNbecoming everything that wasn’t me and embracing everything that was me.

A few months later I came across the Institute for the Psychology of Eating. They were talking about how the relationship we have with our food is ultimately a reflection of the relationship we have with life.

When I came across their ethos, I started to understand that my binge eating was a result of years and years of not knowing how to process the intense emotions I was feeling, it was a result of DIS-connection from my soul and from the Oneness of life, it was a result of not feeling able to express who I was and what I wanted. It was the result of being so severely disconnected from my Wildish nature and the natural world around me.

It was an intense way of my body and my soul desperately trying to get my attention. 

“DIS-ordered eating is the body’s way of coping with a DIS-ordered world”

– Marc David, Founder of the Institute for the Psychology of Eating.

I started to discover that there was so much more to the story than me being a weak  failure with a complete lack of willpower.  I started to become aware of the tremendously judgemental and critical narrative I lived my life through and actually realised I had a choice and the willingness to transform it into something positive.

I then went on to discover books like “The Gifts of our compulsions” by Mary O’Malley, “Women who run with the Wolves” by Clarissa Pinkola Estes and “Body Positive Power” by Megan Crabbe, and learned more and more about where this mentality of self- blaming and shaming comes from and why we have different self-sabotaging behaviours. 

All of this opened my eyes to the fact that we are so much more than our physical appearance. We are spiritual beings living an imperfect and emotional human experience with a purpose.  We are each here for a reason, we belong to mother Earth and we are unconditionally accepted and loved by her helped me begin to heal my relationship with my body and my food.

Understanding that it was ok to feel EVERYTHING from the heartache to the ecstasy and everything in between.

Understanding that the voices that were telling me I was not flawless enough, thin enough or beautiful enough, are not who I truly am and knowing that they are ghosts of a narrative so deeply ingrained within our collective consciousness that we inherit them on a subconscious level from the human world around us.

The transformation I experienced through starting to heal my binge eating and my unhealthy body image inspired me to train as an Eating Psychology Coach and support and empower others to feel free, alive and worthy.

By no means is my binge eating eradicated completely or is my life a self-rejecting free party. It’s a life-long journey of recovery and some days are easier than others to be kind and compassionate to myself. But it’s safe to say that most of the time, I am no longer afraid to be myself, to speak my truth and fight for what I believe in.

If you are reading this and are struggling with your relationship to food, your body image or low self-esteem, please know that it does get easier, things will change. You are strong, you are so strong actually, hang on in there and reach out for support in any way you can. I believe in you. You are worthy, you are resilient and you are so flipping beautiful.

Doing this with the support and love of people who understand and have been through similar things has made this journey a lot easier and so much more fun too. I am so grateful for meeting people like Katie who are doing such inspiring things to bring hope to so many people who are struggling in a world that tells them there is something “wrong”.

There is nothing wrong. This is your time for transformation. Love, Amy x

Does this subject resonate with your own experience? 

Would you like to share your story for Amy’s KindaProud book, #EmergingProud through disordered eating, body image and low self-esteem? 

Please contact Amy to find out how by contacting her at: info@soul-shine.org.uk

Manifesto of the Brave and BrokenHearted

There is no greater threat to the critics
and cynics and fearmongers
Than those of us who are willing to fall
Because we have learned how to rise.
With skinned knees and bruised hearts;
We choose owning our stories of struggle,
Over hiding, over hustling, over pretending.

When we deny our stories, they define us.
When we run from struggle, we are never free.
So we turn toward truth and look it in the eye.

We will not be characters in our stories.
Not villains, not victims, not even heroes.
We are the authors of our lives.

We write our own daring endings.
We craft love from heartbreak,

Compassion from shame,
Grace from disappointment,
Courage from failure.
Showing up is our power.
Story is our way home. Truth is our song.
We are the brave and brokenhearted.
We are rising strong

– Brene Brown

Does this subject resonate with your own experience? 

Would you like to share your story for Amy’s KindaProud book, #EmergingProud through disordered eating, body image and low self-esteem? 

Please contact Amy to find out how by contacting her at: info@soul-shine.org.uk

Amy’s Bio:

Amy Woods is a Certified Eating Psychology Coach, specialising in Compulsive Eating, Cultivating a healthy body image culture and empowering women to transform the relationships with the food they eat and the body they’re in from one of  shame and guilt to one of nourishment and pleasure.

She is Founder and Director of the social enterprise SoulShine which aims to empower people of all ages to live their fullest and most authentic lives.

SoulShine delivers coaching sessions, workshops, inspirational talks, vlogs, online courses and wild women photo shoots.
Amy and Robyn are highly motivated and passionate about creating positive change within their community and  believe that everyone deserves to lead a fulfilling life and be able to embrace their full potential.

Their aim is to build a supportive and compassionate Body Positive Community where each person is celebrated for who they are.

Come and join the Body Positive Revolution!

Find out more information at www.soul-shine.org.uk

Join our FB group: “Embrace” Yourself & Your Body with SoulShine

Facebook: @soulshinehealingAmy

Instagram: @soulshine94

Twitter: @soulshineyou

Amy’s poem; Dare You? 

Like a tornado ripping through a forest
with the strength of a thousand angry oceans,
I felt the pain tear it’s way through my heart.
I felt the pain from the depths of my soul..
With what felt like a stone in my throat,
I sobbed into the ocean.
The waves embraced my being and washed away my tears and my sadness…

Sitting on what felt like the edge of the world,
with the occasional spray of the ocean from a wave hitting the rocks with a greater force
I felt my open wounds start to heal
With the strong rays of the sun kissing my skin,
I breathed in the sea air and finally started to feel the storm inside, calming down…

I dare you…. to have the courage to be vulnerable. To feel everything deeply, but not to get lost in the pain.
I dare you….. to have the courage to look that ghost that’s haunting you in the eye, forgive it and let it go.
I dare you…. to forgive yourself and open your heart to the experience.
I dare you… to LIVE and BE everything you are meant to be.

Does this subject resonate with your own experience? 

Would you like to share your story for Amy’s KindaProud book, #EmergingProud through disordered eating, body image and low self-esteem? 

Please contact Amy to find out how by contacting her at: info@soul-shine.org.uk

Thank you to #Emerging Proud film subject, Lori, for this wonderful article…

More and more people are asking themselves this question and thankfully western culture is becoming better equipped with some answers. Spiritual awaking can be a glamorous term but the reality is that an awakening can be life altering and chaotic. When that happens it is called a spiritual emergency. There are many things that can trigger a spiritual emergency:

1.) Societal pressures: When people have been living their lives for the perception of others, their true selves lies hidden. Trying to fit the mold of society can limit the souls journey and an awakening is the emergence of the truth of a person. A shattering of limiting beliefs and the realization that there is more to what is seen can stimulate a change of perception of the world that leads to a shrugging off of the old and stepping into a new vision.

2.) Is there more to life? When you start asking the bigger questions and wanting to know more about your existence, your purpose, your place in the cosmic view of things you make be at a juncture of a spiritual awakening. Twelve astronauts have spoken of their shift in how they see themselves in the world after trips to space. This is called the overview effect. They have spoken about the awe they have and the transcendence into an understanding of connectedness. Here is a video about this phenomenon. 

3.) Depression: Many times depression can be precipitated by not living your true existence. The soul weeps that you have lost touch with the recognition of the purpose of being here.

4.) Trauma: Many spiritual emergencies occur after a near death experience, death of a loved one or a very fearful incident.

5.) Childbirth: Many women will realize that bigger picture after giving birth. The act of what occurs brings to light the feeling of miracles and phenomena and a total unity and oneness with another human being.

6.) Intensive spiritual practice: Many of the great world wisdoms have known of the possibilites of enlightenment. Asian cultures have always explored the bigger picture and the importance of an inner perception. Meditation, yoga and other practices can be a foundation for the feeling of connectivity to the universe.

7.) Repressed emotions: The emotional load has limits and there is a fragile turning point when we do not manage emotion well, storing them until a danger zone. The psyche will reach a limit and explodes when the reality of our lives is revealed through an awakening.

When an awakening sinks in there is a vast list of symptoms. People talk of a unity consciousness and a blissful existence where they may feel unconditional love for the first time in their lives. They often describe themselves disintegrating and becoming whole with a universal energy. There is also a sense of knowing, receiving information from the external world without even asking for it, a ripening of intuition. Many will hear voices, channel messages and receive psychic abilities. The sensitivities of smell, noise and others energies and emotions can play havoc with someone in a spiritual emergency.

There are also physical changes as the energy begins to emerge and rise within the sacrum of the body and spreads throughout the body. There can be a sensation that you have been plugged in and cannot unplug yourself from intense energy. This can even be painful as an overload on the nervous system. Another symptom can be amazing synchronicities and the ability to see past lives. You may also have the experience of being out of your body astral traveling at night or even during the day.

For many these spiritual experiences are manageable and do not effect your life, for others they can be very overwhelming and destabilizing. When there is not a framework for understanding and when the experiences are not validated it can be very chaotic and disturbing. Friends and family may find it very difficult to understand and to help and many end up in the mental health field where there is little to no support for these types of events.

The earth is changing its frequency and this can be the cause of many people switching on to a higher vibration. Here is the perfect stone to work with:

Moldavite:

A very rare stone from Eastern Europe, moldavite is my go to stone for  extra-terrestial energies. It is a type of tektite formed when a giant meteor hit the earth, a fusion of the cosmos with mother earth. It has been a very cherished stone throughout the ages. For me it is the ascension stone sent to our planet to raise its vibration and help us in our transition to a higher level of consciousness. It is intense and and will clear out your chakras and increase your connection to the higher realms and accelerate the ascension process. It is important to use a grounding stone like hematite or obsidian while using moldavite to balance its extra-terrestial affects. It is very helpful to shamans who can venture into past lives and repair aberrations on the energetic fields, they can also use it to journey to the infinite field of possibility and bring back what is needed in the present for optimizing future results. It serves as a transformer of information from the akashic field.

Many people feel very disconnected on earth, as if they miss the place of their origins. These people are often called star children, indigos or crystal children and are highly sensitive beings often struggling with the density of earth. Moldavite’s energies are like a phone call home, tying them back to the interplanetary world they most resonate with. Highly empathic people will resonate with moldavite as it can be a support of compassion and purpose.

About the Author: Lori Morrison  

Lori Morrison is a “concierge” to the spiritual world and a “soul intuitive” for those seeking connection and support in their life journeys. Combining her skills as a coach, spiritual counselor, shamanic healer and psychic intuitive she has built a successful practice located in Sedona, Arizona where she works with clients from all over the world. She is especially gifted in supporting those who have experienced trauma and grief and other debilitating life experiences through the use of alternative methods and ancient wisdom. By changing the perspective of mental illness from despair to the emergence of a creative gift it can lead to dramatic shifts in the possibility of recovery.

There will be a series of ‘Pocket Books of Hope’ for people experiencing mental distress, to help reframe it as a possible transformation process. 

The first 4 themes will be:

• #Emerging Proud through Anxiety and Depression
• #Emerging Proud through NOTES (Non- ordinary Transcendent Experiences)
• #Emerging Proud through Trauma and Abuse
• #Emerging Proud through disordered eating, body image and low self- esteem

Each themed book will have a KindaProud Rep; a Peer who has personal experience of that specific issue, who will help to collect stories, co- create the book and feature in it. 

The inspiring KindaProud Reps will be revealed over the coming weeks, and you’ll be invited to share your personal stories for each of these motivational books 🙂

We look forward to journeying with you very soon! 

In the mean time, don’t forget you can get your mits on the official 2018 commemorative print,      published by Chipmunka Press, HERE  or the E-Book HERE  All proceeds go towards publication and continuing the campaign work.