Like Samaya, so many of us get nudges from our ‘Soul voice’, pushing us to live a life more authentically aligned with who we truly are. Doing so can cause chaos and pain as we choose to move away from fitting in with the social dictations we’ve often been brought up with. It’s learning to recognise that the pain of these messages can be the thing that liberates us, if we really listen, as Samaya recounts through her personal journey here….
It was spring of 1993 when I got my first visit.
I was fifteen and having a tumultuous time trying to make sense of it all, when an inquisitive voice from deep within surfaced and started pulling me and my life into pieces.
It was my soul’s voice, which was asking me to start making meaning of what was worth valuing and loving, so I could start building my life with those things at the very heart of it all.
This was a task that I had not been prepared for and had no idea how to even start tackling. At that time, I hadn’t known anyone who had gone through anything quite like this.
What did I love?
I had no clue.
But the voice was there and it was insisting.
It was not barging.
It was not lessening.
Like an uninvited guest whom did not seem to be aware that they were gate-crashing.
If anything, they seemed to feel right at home.
This persistent enquiry that came almost out of the blue, pushed me into an intense process of searching and deconstruction that ended up leaving me exhausted, depressed and quite vulnerable.
What was worse, I was not coming up with the goods, and that was slowly killing me on the inside. At fifteen I felt like I had no clue about the things that really mattered, what I loved, what was worthy of love, and true value in my life.
Not just anyone’s life, but mine.
Most people I knew seemed to live life according to a book written by society and not their own soul.
Where was I going to get help from?
This deep search was not yielding successful results and it started affecting my external life so much so, that at 15, I seriously contemplated taking my own life and got really close to overdosing myself to death.
I was only to be saved, last minute, by a phone call from a friend who had previously also tried taking her own life.
I did not mention on that call what I was about to do, and my friend, who had slowly moved away from our friendship after her own attempt, admitted she did not know why she rung me, she just knew she had to do so.
I definitely look back on that call as an angelic intervention.
On the same day of the call, my soul came back with yet another message.
This time however it did not bring a question, but a piece of advice.
I was told that this did not need to sit as a heavy load on my shoulders. That I had a lot of my life ahead of me and that the answers did not need rushing,
I just needed to give myself permission to take my time.
This made a lot of sense to me and I somehow tried to go on living my life.
Fast forward fifteen years, I found myself living in a new country that felt like my spiritual home, living as a practising Buddhist.
Till then, soul would communicate to me in many indirect ways through music, art, books, poetry and other people, through their eyes, their movements, their words.
But very rarely did I get to channel direct messages from it just like that time when I was fifteen and scared to face myself and the big world.
One day, following the end of an intense work stint in the psychiatric wards of a London hospital, I got another visit.
My soul was there to touch base with me again, picking up from where we had left off and bringing up the question that it was no stranger to me.
“What in my life was worth living for?”
Yet by now another 15 years had gone by, I was older, yet despite the many more experiences under my belt, the depth of that enquiry yet again brought up a ton of fear.
Perhaps because this time around the question had lead me to another more relevant enquiry.
This new enquiry had to do with what value I was actually giving to the world, rather than what was being given to me, which is how I had seen it the first time around.
But I had yet to fully make my life my own and to tap into the potential that was lying within me, underneath it all.
I realised that I had not learned how to serve my own soul by showing up in the world in a way that fulfilled me.
The meditation I had been practising for years had helped me tap into myself, yet was now gradually getting me to want to create a more personable life, full of meaning, depth and purpose.
A life of creativity that stemmed from a deep connection with my soul, in a way that brought me and others joy.
I was being urged to create a much more personable life that lived on a daily communion with my soul and purpose.
Where I wouldn’t have to be tested like this over and over again.
This realisation and desire to align with my soul’s creativity and start living my life as a work of art, had become really clear.
I had come here in the world to create after all.
But first I had to take a little detour again.
I was triggered into yet another depression which lasted a period of 2 years.
I had to stop work and immerse myself into my healing, face my demons, get to know my fears and sabotages so I could understand myself better and go the distance.
I realised that I held the belief that I did not have much to offer the world.
That I couldn’t create and build good things.
And I feared that I was going to move through life without fulfilling my deeper purpose.
During that time, I was hanging on for dear life and often the intensity of the situation got me exhausted trying to stay afloat.
During an intensive silent meditation retreat with an esteemed teacher, I asked to be given permission to return home early because I found myself starting to plot throwing myself in the Scottish lochs and drown in the river.
Upon my return, what hit home with me was that if I was going to put all this energy to try and get the strength I needed to take my own life, I might as well put that energy into healing and keeping myself alive.
This realisation ended up becoming the actual fuel that helped me make my turn around.
I then started discovering many more gifts which soon made it apparent that my depression had turned into my actual medicine.
Shamans and Medicine men and women around the world say that when we lose our way, for a human to be truly born and married into their spirit and true self and find our true path, we often have to reach a state of emergency, where we are forced and initiated to activate our true spirit self.
It’s like the urgency, brought to us through an illness, a loss, an intense life experience, forces us to truly become ourselves.
Since these two visits, I am pleased to say I have been on a very different life trajectory.
There is a noticeable change and grounded-ness in my own soul and path, despite the various challenges that have presented my way.
It has not meant that life has become easier, but my capacity to process things is more robust, whilst I seem to maintain a more continuous and deeper communion with my soul, as well as my spirit path.
I have a lot more fun creating, which doesn’t seem so scary anymore.
And as far as my soul conversations go, these days they are more fun and enjoyable, reminding me daily we are here to play and fulfil our destiny by leaving our energy signature and blueprint in the world and shining our light bright.
Would my light shine as bright had it not been for the darkness I had encountered?
I will leave this for you to decide.
I have learned that my darkness is not to be feared, as it holds the most healing medicine, able to transform me over and over again to my deepest, truest self.
Thank you for reading my story. I hope it guides you through your own tough times and inspires you to choose to be returning back to your light, time and time again.
If Samaya’s experience resonates with you and you’d like to share your story to be considered for publication in our KindaProud Pocket Books of Hope series, please CLICK HERE to find the contact details for our Reps ❤