Paula describes her journey so far, and the fears associated with ‘waking up’ in the Western world at present…
“After coming back from researching ayahuasca ceremonies in the Amazon rainforest, I started reading a lot of different philosophies related to consciousness and spirituality. I wanted to start practicing what I’d been reading so sometime in August/September I decided to go on a “mental cleanse”, which meant that I would unplug from all forms of media including TV, radio, social media, and so on. In addition, I practiced mindfulness throughout the day and deep meditation at night.
The meditations became so intense that I could start feeling similar yet subtler states to what I had experienced in Peru during some ayahuasca ceremonies. In particular, I was able to initiate a vibrational state in which I was in direct contact with what I could only describe as my light body. I would play certain sound vibrations or frequencies that I could tap into and that would instantly activate my “light body”. The meditations leading up to my “psychosis” episodes were most intense, for example I would be so deep in that state and if I moved, I could see/feel all of my cells light up a variety of colours.
One day I was at work I looked at some fractal pictures and just by looking at those fractals was enough to make me feel the vibrations in my body that I had been feeling the night before. I combined that with shamanic music and the vibrations started getting more intense. At first I thought it was amazing that I had the ability to initiate these states so easily, but then it started to get too intense and I didn’t know how to make it stop. Surges of energy overcome me and all of a sudden I felt like I was on psychedelics. This went on for 5 days straight and my biggest fear was that I would never be able to return to ordinary waking consciousness.
The best way that I could describe it is that everything I experienced became magnified and my senses became so sensitive. I could feel people’s voices as vibrations inside of my body, I could see that people looked the way they did because of their past experiences, I could hear the electricity running through electrical sockets, I could smell what I had never been able to smell before. Moments of joy were ecstatic, but moments of fear and paranoia were hell—everything was intensified. At night I could physically feel my chakras open up and I would have extremely vivid dreams. I woke myself up one night and I saw a grid of what I could only describe as the place where all possibilities emanate from. I had to isolate myself this whole week because I did not want to feel so much, especially in public spaces. I was afraid that no one would be able to understand what I went through so I did not tell anyone. And as much as I know the potential of having a spiritual awakening, I am afraid to go that deep again living in the culture that we do with all of its misunderstandings and without a teacher of some sort.”
Thank you Paula, for sharing so honestly with us; this fear is the very reason we need to develop a safer world in which such experiences can be spoken about and more appropriately supported ❤