More often than not it can take an existential crisis to discover who we truly are, beneath all of our old coping mechanisms that we use to repress pain we are not ready to feel. Amanda shares how her life crisis has turned out to be her biggest blessing; it has led her to discover who she truly is, and not only is she living her authentic version of herself, she has finally learned to love herself too!
Rise up in Love
Connect to the magic of Hummingbird and the sweet nectar of life
My journey of falling in love with myself began when my 17 year relationship and marriage broke down and ultimately, came to an end. My entire life as I knew it had fallen apart.
Shortly after the separation I discovered certain truths that led me to feel deceived and betrayed. The rejection I felt was gut wrenching. The whole situation brought up my old story of feeling unlovable and replaceable.
My heart shattered into a million pieces.
It felt like my life had ended.
It felt like someone had died.
It felt like I had lost a part of my body.
I was totally heartbroken.
I felt unworthy.
I felt ashamed.
I felt like a failure.
I felt scared.
I felt guilty.
The list of self-loathing emotions I felt towards myself was endless.
For a long while getting out of bed in the morning was the biggest struggle.
I felt hopeless, a terrible mother, my body was gripped in such deep grief and pain that I literally felt like I couldn’t move.
I couldn’t even think about tomorrow without feeling anxious and panicky.
Over the years I had developed an addiction to recreational drugs which I felt so much shame over.
I didn’t really know how to go out and enjoy myself without it.
I had no idea who I was.
I hadn’t supported myself financially for 14 years.
At 42 years old…I had no idea how to start a new life on my own.
But deep down inside I had a knowing.
A knowing that this was right and happening for me.
A knowing that this was an opportunity to rise up and connect to my authentic self.
I remember the day that woke me up and urged me to begin rebuilding myself and my life.
I was in bed and had barely been out of my room for a while. My daughter came over and made me get up and go see a friend. When I got back later, she had gone, my house was spotless and on my freshly made bed was a note saying… “Tomorrow is a new day. I love you.” I sobbed as my heart filled with love and gratitude for the love, beauty, compassion and wisdom she had shown me. My baby girl, now a young woman had reminded me of love, unconditional love and I decided at that moment to begin my journey back to loving myself.
I had to for my children.
I had to for myself.
It has been 2 years from the life I knew falling apart, to sitting here sharing my story.
In these 2 years, I have become a Forrest Yoga teacher, a bodyworker and healer, a transformational life coach. I moved and created a beautiful new home for myself and my kids. I started my own business, I met my twin flame, and most importantly I have fallen deeply in love with myself and my life. When I look back, I feel so much gratitude, so much pride at how far I’ve come.
So how did I do it?
How did I turn my life around?
First, I made a commitment that no matter what, I was going to stay in a place of love and live from my heart.
I learnt to stop living in the past, repeating stories and create a beautiful new life.
I learnt to receive and give love unconditionally.
I learnt to forgive myself and everyone else involved.
I learnt to connect to the true authentic expression of me and be it unapologetically.
I committed to leading by example and show my children that it is possible to rise above anger, resentment and bitterness into unconditional love.
I committed to living with integrity and grace.
I committed to loving harder than any other negative emotion, embody and BE love.
Secondly, I chose to take responsibility for what had happened in my life, for my own happiness and not play into victimhood and drama anymore.
To be responsible for and change my behaviour, habits and stories connected to the imprints of my past that were clearly no longer serving me.
I overcame my addictions to drama, behaviour and stories of a lifetime. I had to get clear and conscious of what they were in order to catch myself, interrupt the pattern and change it.
Thirdly I practiced dreaming about how I wanted my future to look.
How I wanted to feel.
Who I wanted to be.
What I wanted to do.
Why I wanted to do it.
I practiced and embodied how my future self would act, feel and be and made a commitment to be that person every day. I learnt tools to support me to overcome those moments when my past self would try and draw me back.
Everyday I practiced, committed and invested wholeheartedly into being my future self until it was more of a habit than being my past self.
And when I fell from grace, I owned it, made amends, forgave myself, loved myself and started again. I chose to never give up.
I surrendered to the deeply uncomfortable and painful emotions I had repressed my whole life.
I leaned right into vulnerability.
I chose to rise up out of victimhood and into empowerment.
I chose to embody and FEEL deep gratitude and love for every experience, not only the joyful ones.
I chose to open my heart fully and commit to living, breathing and being my future self every single day.
Thank you Amanda for shining your bright light and helping others to #Emerge Proud as their authentic Selves ❤
Amanda is based in Norwich, UK, where she lives and works. Her work is about empowering her clients in their own healing, in order to fall in love with oneself and their life–Rising up in love and living from the heart. Amanda holds classes, workshops, courses, retreats in person and online. She also works one-on-one with clients empowering them in their healing and in their lives.