Ayan expresses her spiritual journey through powerful poetry for our next publication; Muslims Emerging Proud through Mental Distress

We may not all be familiar with the Islamic scriptures and devotion to Allah, and yet the resonance of awakening experience with Ayan’s words bridges an uncivilised man- made cultural chasm with an unbreakable bond of love.

When we have …

No name.

No skin colour.

No gender stereotypes.

No man-made culture suppressing us


… if we can surrender enough to listen to our Soul, then humanity can begin to heal the collective traumas that separate us. 

Ayan Said Poems: Spiritual Journey

Warfare Warrior Spiritual

Yeah it’s a warfare that I am fighting

I am fighting my body to keep standing

Begging my shoulders to stop slouching

You have nothing to be ashamed of

It’s insane how trauma dictates

Our behavioural patterns and how we see ourselves

Today I allow my body to own the feet it walks on

To feel the ground that upholds my dreams

To relax my shoulders and allow my pain to straighten my skeletal

even if the world is unaccepting, I am fine with it

I don’t engage with false connections or partake in participating in meaningless interactions

I am tired of getting sucked into dark holes that pull on the strings of my empathy

My emotions aren’t open to manipulation from empty souls that fail to see the essence of humanity

I hold no resentment for the spaces that can no longer be in my tomorrow

To be honest it doesn’t really matter anymore

I am a spiritual traveller in this human experience, I’ve been given a vision to pursue whilst I navigate the challenges

It’s so intense to hold pieces together as you face armies that seek to scatter pieces of you. 

To be honest I understand all your perspectives but can’t respect the way you attack and try to simplify things when it comes to religion and the human condition

You can define all identities by how you want

but how about the fact that on some days I have

No name.

No skin colour.

No gender stereotypes.

No man-made culture suppressing me.

I cannot be affected when my soul only seeks to align with the path 

Ar-Raheem

I am confident as I elevate to a higher calling

As-Salam

Al-Mumin I am seeking what I failed to find in humans

Al-Muhaymin has seen the journey and now I feel seen as Al-Jabbar restores my faith

I am patient because Ar-Razzaaq saved me from a rat race that had no spiritual purpose

Please leave me in peace as I share dreams with Al-Lateef ,

My happiness cannot be thieved when he reminds me every day he is Al-Atheem

How can I get caught up in the whispers when He is Supreme?

Speechless

You got me so speechless

Racing to your love

and I swear lately I’ve been feeling like an addict

as I rush to the mat to feel that hit that soothes my soul

and unburdens my problems

Yeah I’m so speechless,

your love has me going senseless

like for real I don’t even see things like I use to

and everything I hear now I don’t decipher without acknowledging

your presence.

Lord, I am in awe

I’m smelling your nature,

Hypnotised by the geometry of your flowers

and thinking how can the reality of your truth not be taken seriously.

Then I remember me from before,

and how I thought I was the champ, reading and handling life like I had all the answers in a worldly book

I was fuelled by feeding myself worldly qualifications

that I always struggled to swallow because my throat chakra was blocked.

I wasn’t aligned

and I kept disconnecting from the connection that had saved me

from every single trauma I experienced.

Yeah you got me speechless

360.

I’m yours and I’m owning it.

Self-expressing freely

because I’m at peace in the space of you and I. 

Used to live like I was laying on the edges of eggshells

anxious of the pain of my steps.

A stranger to my surroundings

Never really understanding the status of our souls and what we were sacrificing it all for.

Prayer

My love for God is childlike

Like 

I don’t want to associate it with anything worldly

But my Lords love is

TOO DIVINE & WISE

For me not to

Translate it into words and language that’s c-o-m-p-r-e-h-e-n-s-I-b-l-e

To the human-mind

Because sometimes

some of us struggle to understand.

Just like the way we question the scriptures

Fracturing our spirituality

To gain a fraction of the pleasure we can attain

Right now, I am just focussed on what will remain

After I leave

What will I feel when I am standing before the scale?

How was my character and deeds?

Did I do enough for the deen?

I mean

I am just trying to purify my heart now

Educate myself enough to make sure my unborn children are being raised right

And it hasn’t been easy silencing these negative patterns and ways of thinking

But Al-Rahim saved me from the trenches, lifted me from the sorrow I was six feet deep in

Deep this

I was sacrificing my life for people that didn’t put a thought into whether I was dead or alive.

How did I expect happiness from a world that didn’t even appreciate the blessings before their eyes as they blind themselves to the signs?

But Ar-Rahman I am grateful for the mercy

Even though at times I question if I am worthy.

Feeling so undeserving

Constantly practicing protection from the hearsay and whispers Al-Shaytaan uses as a tool to dismantle my emaan into pieces

I owe my becoming to the love you bestowed upon me

I used to swim in pain that use to drown me,

Till now, I am still fighting

The difference is I am now floating

In clouds that are so soft to lay in

To break in as my forehead touches the ground in submission

Thank you

For the way you wipe my tears as I plead to you for guidance to build this home, so it transcends beyond the sky’s and waits for me in heaven

My prayer is the reason I can even function as a human

My scriptures taught me things that set my scientific brain on a trajectory that allowed me to analyse everything beyond our visual reality

Indulging in a greatness that’s deadening old skin cells and creating new neurons that place me at the centre of my soul

Still struggling with self-forgiveness but my thirst for knowledge and your love has me falling in love with parts of me I didn’t even know existed.

I know I may fall off, but I also know aouthu billahi minal shaytaanal rajeem

Grateful for the way you redeemed my hope and guided my hands to your rope.

I have faith you’ll remind me of the strength that’ll keep me on the path.

Our 6th Pocket Book of Hope ‘Muslims Emerging Proud through Mental Distress’ will be published later this year, see more information HERE

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